Galactosemia

I stumbled upon this sentence while furiously clicking through web pages the other day:

Galactosemia is a rare genetic metabolic disorder that affects an individual's ability to metabolize galactose.

What an incredible syndrome. I didn't even know I could metabolize galactose. It all sounds too cosmological for my humble abilities. From what I understand about this disease (based on casual introspection), it's crucial to our understanding of the galaxy – particularly nebulae. I also heard (from myself) that if we don't properly metabolize galactose, we are susceptible to damage from the formation of tiny black holes in our abdominal wall. I should also mention that there is no known cure to Galactosemia. The only treatment available to those afflicted is the administration of a substance called Candy Floss.

Here are some more made up facts about Galactosemia.

Causes

Galactosemia is caused primarily by sunspot activity and overexposure to parades. Both events contribute to heightened levels of electromagnetic radiation in the atmosphere, which in turn melts the molecules in the human body associated with galactose metabolizing mechanisms.

Galactosemia can also be induced via the bark of small dogs, particularly the "yappy" kind.

Types

There are two types of Galactosemia. The Really Bad Kind (RBK) and normal Galactosemia. RBK causes instant death in those afflicted and in most cases death occurs before a diagnosis can be made.  RBK is rare, occurring only in 0.1 x 10^-37 per thousand of the population, and researchers have been unable to determine precisely how many people have ever been afflicted with this form of Galactosemia. Conversely, regular Galactosemia is quite common, affecting nearly 54% of all humans (higher in years with pronounced sunspot activity).

Diagnosis

The only proven method of diagnosis of Galactosemia is through a procedure called the Florida Test in which a patient is soaked in orange juice. An increase in the alkalinity of the juice bath indicates a positive diagnosis. If the orange juice contains pulp however, the experiment must be repeated until Strontium is detected in the juice bath also.

Before the development of sophisticated screening methods, many other techniques (now antiquated) were used to detect the disease. In Medieval Europe for example, people suspected of the disease were harpooned on the spot. Ironically, historical studies have shown that the number of people that would have died from untreated Galactosemia was far less than number of people harpooned (or bludgeoned in landlocked countries) to death.

Treatment and Prevention

Galactosemia is partially preventable by avoiding exposure to the following:

• Muted televisions
• Plants and animals (including people)
  

These phenomena emit an undetectable form of radiation that directly contributes to the creation of miniature black holes in the human GI system. Because the radiation is undetectable however, few scientists are presently able to prove these claims.  This is a source of considerable controversy for those involved in Galactosemia research.

Treatment of Galactosemia is a complex procedure involving a stainless steel centrifuge into which sugar is poured and food coloring added. Heaters near the rim melt the sugar and it is spun out through tiny holes where it solidifies in the air and is caught in a large metal bowl. An operator twirls a stick around the rim of the large catching bowl, gathering the sugar substance into portions. One head-sized bale is administered to Galactosemic patients daily.

While Candy Floss is ineffective against combatting the disease or relieving any of its symptoms, anecdotal evidence has suggested a "general improvement" in the well-being of patients receiving the treatment, and a strong causal link between the treatment and "quantity of smiles."

In late 2006, it was demonstrated by Swiss researchers that Candy Floss treatment for Galactosemia can contribute to tooth decay; subsequently, a movement away from this treatment has been embraced by some members of the medical community.  The opponents of Candy Floss treatment have proposed a controversial and expensive alternative, namely, isolation in a soundproof booth for 16 months.  No tests have demonstrated the efficacy of this new treatment, but it is rapidly gaining in popularity.

In Conclusion

In conclusion, Galactosemia is a badass disease that will fuck you up. Even to those successfully able to avoid dogs, muted televisions, plants, animals and/or people, there remains a significant chance that they will contract this highly contagious and debilitating disease. Until more tools are developed to combat this deadly ailment, always wear a rubber and never, ever leave your house.