One hundred forty two words about redheads

Readers,

I apologize for my absence. January slipped out of my fingers like a well-basted football; in that time I suffered no fewer than two existential crises, listened to Wagner's Gotterdammerung, confronted my own sense of failure, and my failures, and the act of failing, and turned 30 years old. Coincidence?

For lack of anything else, here are 142 words about redheads:

In the simple unabashed opinion of this author, all redheads should be gathered, transported to locations remote and gassed with poison until they are dead. I would also submit that redhead be strangled at birth with no exceptions. Here is why.

"Gingers" as they are affectionately known, are freaks with horrible translucent skin, appalling freckles and questionable dispositions. They are frequently heard complaining about things like "the sun" and the dearth of cosmetics that suit their ghastly complexions. When they are not complaining, they are intolerably cheery and possess a giddy bray that makes my knuckles whiten with rage.

I propose the systematic extermination of both male and female redheaded persons. It makes sense to detonate a nuclear bomb on Ireland and continue freakward thence, until the globe is scourged of this crimson menace.

Yes, even Amy Adams. I'm serious about this.

Love,

Harvey


P.S. It's just the Wagner.

Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Harvey: Just this box of facial tissues please.
Miranda: That'll be $2.99.
Harvey: You know, the problem with democracy is that it just doesn't work.
Miranda: You're thinking of Mexicans.
Harvey: You're a racist.
Miranda: You're a communist.
Harvey:
Miranda:
Harvey: Touché.
Miranda: Douche.

Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Harvey: Do you carry chocolate milk?
Miranda: Yeah, it's right beside the regular milk.
Harvey: What do you mean by "regular" milk?  Are you saying that chocolate milk is not "regular" just because it's not white?  And I suppose you feel the same way about people.
Miranda: That's right.
Harvey:  That's racist!
Miranda: I know.
Harvey:
Miranda:
Harvey: This isn't fun when you aren't denying it.
Miranda: Anything else?
Harvey: A bag of brown rice and this box of facial tissues.

Free black history

A shiny black man offered me a flyer as I was walking down Yonge Street the other day.  It had the words "black history" on it in sizeable block letters and looked like it had been photocopied a thousand times -- so obviously I was interested.  Smiling, I reached reached out to take it, but the shiny black man wouldn't let go of the sheet.

SBM: Brother, I see that you are on the go, but maybe I could have a few minutes of your time?

I considered this.  It was Saturday.  I had absolutely nothing to do.  I was on my way to kill time at a coffeeshop, and even this option was on the table for review.

Harvey:  Sorry, I'm actually on my way to meet a client.  He called an emergency meeting.  I really shouldn't be late.
SBM: (Agitated.)  Then why did you stop?

I didn't expect it, but it was a good question.  Was it because my attempt to pull the flyer out of his hands like a relay baton and keep moving was thwarted by his simple tug of a sales tactic?  Yes, but I decided to lie instead.

Harvey:  Well, I've recently become really interested in the plight of the colored man in modern society.

The "recently" was a nice touch.  I knew that.  I'm not sure I needed the "modern society" part, but I thought it added some credibility.  Perhaps I'm uninterested in of the colored man's struggle through antiquity?  But then why am I reaching for a flyer emblazoned "black history"?  I didn't think this through, and the man didn't like it.  (Saying "colored" was probably a red flag too.)

SBM: Say what?
Harvey:  I mean, I'm really interested in black history.  I just don't have time at right now to talk about it.  Do you guys have a website or --

And, making sure to pronounce each word (so I would understand him this time):

SBM:  Then why did you stop.

This wasn't a question.  I don't think he was looking for a response, much less a flippant one.

Harvey: I thought you were giving away free gifts?
SBM: Man, get outta here.

The deliberate march of the ancient Chinese

The Grange does teem of elderly Chinese
Might even say "infested" should you please
But that'd be racist -- so let's say instead
Distressed I am! Behold their languished tread
One never sees them at the gym or pool
Old lives bereft of work or play or school
Can merely pad about the hallway floor
And circumscribe the condo's corridor
And pondering my own time come to that
Pajamas, slippers, solitude, a flat
And mired in constitutionals, oppressed
Our footsteps drag death's hand into our chests
No thanks to walks I shan't the will to live
For that's just holding water with a sieve

Overt personal ads

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Hapless nice guy with heart of gold seeks cock-hungry female for cuddling, shared sundaes, and lecherous depravity. My idea of a perfect date is cooking you dinner, watching Roman Holiday together under the covers and then afterwards, letting you shit on my chest.

BBW seeks perfect man with no standards - w4m
I am a corpulent woman with CURVES. I am seeking a wealthy, fit, well-endowed, intelligent, and perfect-in-every-way man that will accept me for what I am. I must be fucking kidding myself. Oh, well. Please be at least six feet tall.

Straight guy seeking another dude for totally not gay sexual experience - m4m
STR8 dude here, looking for a guy who might want to suck my dick. No faggots, please. I'm just looking for some hot and discreet mouth-love from a sexy and definitely NOT GAY male. Bonus points if you like baseball.

Non-racist seeks WHITES ONLY - w4m
I'm a cute, awesome, petite brunette looking for a smart and funny guy with a good head on his shoulders for a LTR. Also, you must be white. I'm not racist, it's just my PREFERENCE that you not be black, oriental, Jewish, Hispanic, South-East Asian, Middle-Eastern, PUERTO RICAN, an aboriginal of any kind, Micronesian, Polynesian, Melanesian, or even more than just a little tanned. I enjoy snowboarding and eating KD. Bonus points if know what Herrenrasse is.

Obvious stereotype seeks same - w4w
Female lumberjack looking for partner in crime. Must be angry. No fatties.

Observational humour about patently false things

Have you ever noticed that whenever you're in line at the grocery store, and there's an old person waiting in front of you, they always have to make some sort of racial slur to the cashier? Like, "here's your money, you chink," or "fuck you, towel-head." I mean, what's the deal? Take it easy, you're just buying some milk -- can't you go five minutes without offending someone? Sometimes the cashier is white! Man, I don't get old people.

But don't even get me started on the supermarket. Tell me if this has ever happened to you: you're at the deli, you order a coupla hundred grams of finely sliced pastrami, when you notice the guy operating the slicer accidentally takes a layer off his thumb. You know what I mean. But does he stop and pick the sliced-off flesh out of your order? Or even seek some medical attention? No way. It's like he's a government operative paid to slice that meat and get you the hell outta there. Don't you feel the searing pain buddy? I mean, who is this guy?

But you know I love being married. A lot of guys will complain, and I will too, but mostly it's great. Women put up with the most amazingly stupid things we do. Like guys: have you ever been pouring a beer or something at home, accidentally spill some on the floor, and then instead of grabbing a mop and cleaning it up, you smash the bottle over your head and then just lie there bleeding on the floor? You know, 'cause you figure rather than take the heat for spilled beer, you'll at least get some sympathy when she finds you lying face down in a pile of broken glass, beer and blood. God, men do the craziest things.

Rant against things that don't bother me so much

I can't stand pickles. Well, I shouldn't say I can't stand them, more that I really don't like them. In most cases. Sometimes a whole baby dill is all right. But never on a burger. Almost never.

Interracial marriage also pisses me off, but only if one person is Ugandan and the other Botswanian. I'm not sure why that specific pairing bothers me, but it does. Kind of.

Umbrellas, are my least favourite implement. I hate the way they almost poke out your eye, and the sogginess. Yeah, yeah, they keep you dry I know. But still. I'd much rather get soaked than carry around one of these damn things like a crutch. Unless it's pouring.

I also hate spices. No, no I don't.

Offensive haiku

The japs, chinks, and gooks
Can't drive worth shit; but at least
They ain't niggers. Damn.

I know they called it
Rape; but come on now, that slut
Was asking for it.

Yesterday was tough:
I got an abortion, AND
Missed the bus back home.

Faint recollection.
Mind hurts, memory is faint.
Ass is sore as hell.

Maternal longings,
Plus lycra workout pants means:
I can't be blamed, dude.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
I was just gonna move! Damn
This parking Ticket!

Jews and Arabs should
Learn to get along, because
Who else can stand them?

Lipgloss, pigtails, and
Mother's perfume. "Little girl,
You need a ride home?"