Religion reform #20

Around The Beginning a kind of, sort of, fucked up thing happened. It's described well in the Book of the Toucan, chapter 11:

11 And after the great Toucan squawked, and obliterated the void a small and almost imperceptible crystal —the size of 1,000,000 suns —landed on the tip of the Toucan's beak. It was a clock.

12 The perfect crystalline structure was a machine operating by precise laws. Though it appeared to be a pure crystal, inside was a magnificent lattice of light and energy humming away, in service of an idea greater than itself.

And later,

²³ When the Toucan leaned his mighty beak over the nascent universe and sneezed, at once the marvel of crystal clockwork was shattered as the infinite power of the Toucan's sneeze hurled an infinity of clock pieces in every direction.

Scholars have debated the meaning of this tale. Is the crystal a metaphor for mankind's fruitless quest for knowledge or is this just a cautionary tale about making sure to have taken anti-histamines? And just what is the point of a clock in a timeless pre-existence void?

Religion reform #18

I would like to see, just once, someone assert the existence of God by making the following claims:

1. There exists something called Oreo ice cream.
2. Only God could have created as fulfilling and awe-inducing as Oreo ice cream.
3. Here, have a spoonful.  Seriously, I have lots.
4. Mm, how is it?  Good, right?  Let me try it.
5. (Mouth full of ice cream.) Mmmm, tell me God didn't make this. Oh, sweet Jesus.
6. I'll get you some more.
7. Therefore, God exists in realty.

Q.E.D. bitches. And then if anyone starts to get all fact-y or whatever, you take could away his ice cream or make a wicked milkshake and not let him have any.