Wild speculation

On the great flood:

Man: Hey, God!  Can you hear me, loser?
Tracy: Just ignore him, sir.
Man: Hey, God!  You suck balls.  You hear me?
Tracy: I'll handle this, Tracy.
Tracy: Yes sir.  It's just that sometimes you tend to overreact and—
Man: Hey God, you're a faggot!
God: That does it.  Tracy, get hydro on the line.

Conversation on River street

Derelict: Hey, man. I'm really hungry. Can I have half of that sandwich?
Harvey: Why? So you can spend it on crack?

Harvey: 1, Toronto's homeless: 0.

Six universal rejoinders

There are a few comebacks that are applicable in almost any situation and it can be useful to keep them at hand. You might find yourself upbraided by a smarmy superior at work. Or perhaps caught off guard in a theological debate. Or maybe a passerby has called you a "pole-smoking, boot-wearing, fuck-face".

In many of these and similar cases, you often lack the adequate time or opportunity to concoct a witty and appropriately harsh response. Next time you need to save face, a prepackaged and simplistic barb -- like these "chestnuts" below -- might do the trick:

At a loss for words? Try:

Your face.
Though barely a sentence "your face" draws attention to your adversary's face, making him/her feel self-conscious and, it is hoped, feel stupid also. About his/her stupid face. Take that, stupid face.

No, you.
By using this quintessentially ad hominem rebuttal, the point of contention is U-turned like an about-to-flip eighteen-wheeler-after-a-sleepless-night and aimed squarely at your adversary. It's bold, short, simple and direct. It says, "why don't you re-examine your position before making a point like that, shithead?"

Eat a dick.
Crude, and not to be taken literally, "eat a dick" effectively draws the wind from your opponents sails with some solid, downtown, frat-boy rhetoric. There is no one (except maybe for homosexual cannibals) that wants to be told to eat a dick. The suggestion is absurd and demeaning, making it an excellent universal rejoinder.

Your mom.
This one "takes it personal, and makes it personal", by going straight to the source. Mama. Particularly effective on the coloured.

I hope you die.
That's some harsh tokes, dude.

You're ugly.
Effective because there is truly no good response to this. It's virtually impossible to deny such a charge with credibility; most that hear it can't help but reflect dolefully on the statement's unambiguous message and ponder its validity. Feelings are sure to be hurt. It's a show stopper.

Next time you find yourself slandered and without recourse, consider these six universal rejoinders your rhetorical grenades, primed for immediate use. The more you familiarize yourself with this list, the better prepared you will be for an emergency situation. Because you never know when some roller-blading faggot is going to harp on you for littering. Or something.

An insult

Wendy was shocked.

"I've never been so insulted in all my life. First, to claim these oysters taste like 'puke' and then to follow that up by calling me a Nazi... well, I --"

"First," William interrupted, "I don't like oysters. Second, I was only saying that your attention to detail was Nazi-like. It's still a complement. Forgive me if it wasn't the balls-deep cocksuckery you anticipated."

And that my friends, is how one uses the term "balls-deep cocksuckery" in a sentence.