Rules of the photocopier room

I've decided to pin this list in our office photocopier room using official company letterhead.  Technically I'm still on contract, but -- what the hell.  Let's see what happens.

Due to a rising number of complaints, please make note of the following Rules of the Photocopier Room as approved by the VP of In-House Duplication:

1. There are to be no more than five persons in the photocopier room at any time.  If you are waiting for a document and there are already five people in the room, please wait outside or return at a later time to collect your document.

2. Please keep conversation to a minimum.  If you need to chat, please limit yourself to the following subjects: paper sizes and weight, staple removal techniques, toner levels, misfeed troubleshooting, and duplex copying.  Speak in a hushed or quiet whisper.  Please do not engage in "idle chatter" i.e, talking about the weekend, the weather, sporting events, your children, etc.

3. No printing of personal e-mails including creative writing, recipes, funny e-mail forwards, words of wisdom, maps/directions, resumes, personal correspondence, menus or political pamphlets.  The photocopier is for office use only.

4. For hygienic reasons, please do not use the photocopier to reproduce images of body parts or other nonstandard materials, including foodstuffs or animals.  Standing or "dancing" on the photocopier will also not be tolerated.

5. As a courtesy to other staff, please arrange to print any documents longer than 14 pages after 7pm or on weekends.

6. To reduce the strain on this equipment, please limit the number of colors in your document to three.  Avoid use of RGB(137,2,133) or any font sizes smaller than 12.

7. Please wipe the flatbed clean after every use, using the provided swabs and cleaning solution. When wiping down the surface, utilize latex gloves to prevent smudges and fingerprints.  Do not dispose of the gloves in the photocopier room; take them back to your desk and dispose of them there.

Remember: your ability to use the photocopying equipment is a privilege not a right, and may be revoked at any time.  Please do your part to keep the photocopier safe, clean and orderly.

That'll show 'em!  But seriously, people need to stop photocopying their sandwiches.  They also need to shut the fuck up in the photocopier room.