Religion reform #25

The Book Of The Toucan is filled with lots of fucked up lists. The Toucan is particularly weird about his proclivity for ordered lists. From a section called "What Frosts The Toucan's Cupcakes":

1. Short forms. Thou shalt say the whole word or words.

2. Men kissing. I don't want to see that shit.

3. Biting of styles. Thou shalt be original and on trend.

4. Speed dating in general. It's creepy and weird.

5. Bragging about one's virginity. Punch that v-card already. 

And on and on it goes. 

Verby day

I am writing this missive on the evening of 28 October 2012. A passable Sunday. Here's what I did in order:

1. ate scrambled eggs and bacon
2. sat on the bus for exactly one hour and 
3. read The Atlantic
4. bought groceries at the supermarket
5. placed clothes in a washing machine
6. cooked up a storm
7. nibbled on a medicinal marijuana chocolate bar
8. removed clothes from a washing machine
9. listened a supremely moving podcast
10. ironed shirts
11. saw Giants fans celebrating
12. washed dishes
13. lay in bed
14. typed out words

In order words, I'm pretty high right now. Thanks for reading. 

Reasons for committing suicide

Thinking about ending it? Don't just think about it. Consider flipping that off-switch if any of the following has happened to you:

• Coworker called you out for throwing out birthday cake
• Zipper broke on your laptop sleeve
• Ran for bus, left wallet at home
• Ill prepared to explain why browsing in incognito mode
• Finally decide to accept the advances of the homely girl that digs you; get rejected immediately
• Awkward run-in with ex-girlfriend's, ex-roommate's ex-girlfriend at a movie theatre
• Jerked off to someone else's porn (without knowing)
• Have to update Calibre every time you open it
• Referred to George Harrison as Geoff Harrison
• Knocked a baby over while holding a beer
• Can't get rid of that moldy smell in your towels

What's the worst that could happen?

Bitches versus bitches

I'm not sure but I think I might prefer dogs to women. Some key points in favour of canines:

• I'm not tempted to have sex with dogs, and am therefore less likely to waste my time watching them eat and chuckling at their not-really-that-funny observations.
• I never have to pretend that I like the same music as a dog.
• Dogs are 100% sure of what they want at all times, viz., to drool on you. 
• Dogs don't text me with "UGH. I hate men" at two in the morning.
• Were a dog to ask my opinion on something (which it won't) it would not respond with "Really? But those shoes are so ugly."
• Dogs can't talk, and they don't have stupid ideas.
• Dogs aren't obsessed with yogurt.
• Dogs don't own 50 pairs of shoes.
• Dogs don't tell you that it's OK if we don't visit their parents this weekend, but then check with several times leading up to Friday, if you "still don't want to go," which like, I clearly don't — that's why I said I didn't want to go — but then, will get her way with persistent and healthy doses of guilt and then while driving up North say, "you know, you didn't have to come if you didn't want." And then continue to paint her nails in the front seat of the car, but won't roll down the windows because it will mess her hair up.
• Dogs always prefer it doggy style.
• Dogs don't mind if you forget their birthday.

Also, having them put down is socially acceptable.

Religion reform #22

Occasionally, one meets a religious person that isn't a nutcase. This is kind of annoying. My distaste for religion must be diluted somewhat when I encounter adherents that have no repellent opinions or values, which is obviously less fun.

Besides, for what other purpose des religion exist but to hold controversial/unprovable/batshit-crazy ideas that can't be justified without appeal to a deity or supernatural force? Most of us believe in the scientific notions of say, friction or gravity. I don't need to picket a soldier's funeral to get those points across. Actually, the sum of what I actually believe:

• that children are loud and stupid
• that one should not speak to another human being without having had a sip of caffeine
• that the sun will surely come up tomorrow

Are pervasive, non-controversial and dare-I-say-it, Solid Ideas, that are prima facie accepted by most reasonable persons. Well, I want to be unreasonable Goddammit. I want to hold some weird fucking beliefs, justifiable only by appeal to the Toucan. Namely:

• that there really hasn't been any quality music produced after 1973
• that there is no rational reason to care about the welfare of future generations, but we should anyway
• that anyone with a Klout score above 50 is wasting his days
• that marshmallows are a metaphor for the purposeless of life and we should eat them daily
• that teetotaling is just so stupid
• that if everyone were honest the world would function in an altogether more helpful way
• that you should be able to call into work and say "Listen, I'm not coming in. I'm hungover."
• that contests of public office should be decided by '80s trivia contests
• that vegans have missed the point completely
• that yes, being gay is sometimes gross, but who gives a shit
• that if you don't like Prince you should be exiled to lands remote
• that the singular purpose of human beings is to transcend ourselves and pretend (until it is true) that we are united, and subsequently turn our heads in concert to the sky and consider the darkness from which we all came. (Rather than say, which fucking type of hat our stupid clans should wear.)

If it's not the case that you think these things are self-explanatory then let me appeal to my creator, the Great Bird in the sky. For these are His words, and they are Good, and if I capitalize enough These Nouns, then surely a point has been made, and you should suffer eternally for your dissent. And also, it's not my fault I believe any of these things; I was raised this way.

Religion reform #21

The Book Of The Toucan is filled with lots of fucked up lists. The Toucan is particularly weird about his proclivity for ordered lists. From a section called "What Frosts The Toucan's Cupcakes":

20. Measure once, cut once.
21. Thou shalt not double dip.
22. Thou shall have thine order and thine method of payment ready.
23. Avoid use of the expression: "working hard or hardly working?"
24. Don't kick 'em babies.

More to follow.