Bicycle helmets
I am a cyclist. This probably won't surprise you given my proclivity for beards, but it might surprise you given my proclivity for hating hate-able shit, and as any moron can tell you: cycling is well hate-able. For starters, a lot of cyclists are holier-than-thou tree-hugging, pedantic, passive-aggressive losers and I loathe to be associated with them in the slightest. I'm certain to like you less the more you like cycling, and this is multiplied by three if you wear clip-ins or own a bike you can pick up with one hand.
If you need more reasons to hate cycling consider the aesthetics of the entire endeavour. Perching oneself upon a "saddle", gingerly holding on to grips, pedaling to your destination with the wind in your hair, and the tring-tring of your bell in the city air. That's a textbook definition of "fey". Do I have to mention those stupid flip-up hats that bicycle couriers wear? Those goat-bearded, short-socked assholes are considered the tough-guys of this subculture. Jesus Christ.
But anyway, I hate driving more than any of this (much, much more) so I ride a bike. And I refuse to wear a helmet. This blog is called the Slow Motion Suicides, dummy, not the Slow Motion Safety Lesson. If I'm going out, I'm going out in a motherfucking blaze of asphalt-meets-aluminum-meets-my-skull-on-the-crosswalk glory. I want someone to puke at the sight of my annihilation. Besides if I'm sideswiped by a streetcar, my helmet will prove as effective as abstinence education.
(And studies have shown[citation needed] that cyclists wearing helmets ride more recklessly, and that drivers leave un-helmeted riders more room on the road than those wearing safety gear and fuck you.)
Showing posts with label refuse to wear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label refuse to wear. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 18
Monday, February 28
Monday, December 13
On stuff I refuse to wear
Jewellery
Call me cheap, but I can't see the point of solidifying my money into hard precious metal, and then melting it down, and then using more money to have experts tweeze at it with saws and pliers until it's charming enough to drape around my neck or twist around my fingers. I guess I'm not sentimental that way. But I think we should all agree that ankle bracelets are stupid.
Included in my definition of jewellery are watches, but I don't wear them for a different reason. They are a useful tool, and the more functional ones are fun to have. (Remember Indiglo?) I wear them simply because I do not care what time it is. When I need to know, I reach into my pocket. I like to put away the time when I am done with it. I opt not to advertise the time on my wrist; like a shackle of memento mori, tugging our arms gently forward into oblivion.
(Please don't call me cheap.)
Call me cheap, but I can't see the point of solidifying my money into hard precious metal, and then melting it down, and then using more money to have experts tweeze at it with saws and pliers until it's charming enough to drape around my neck or twist around my fingers. I guess I'm not sentimental that way. But I think we should all agree that ankle bracelets are stupid.
Included in my definition of jewellery are watches, but I don't wear them for a different reason. They are a useful tool, and the more functional ones are fun to have. (Remember Indiglo?) I wear them simply because I do not care what time it is. When I need to know, I reach into my pocket. I like to put away the time when I am done with it. I opt not to advertise the time on my wrist; like a shackle of memento mori, tugging our arms gently forward into oblivion.
(Please don't call me cheap.)
Sunday, October 10
On stuff I refuse to wear
Sandals
Sandals are weak and stupid footwear worn by the weak and stupid. Not even footwear really, these barely protective scraps are fashionable with women, children and peasants in tropical nations. No matter how hot it is outside, real men wear shoes.
(That's not to say I'm a real man. I wouldn't imply such a thing. I'm just saying.)
Sandals are weak and stupid footwear worn by the weak and stupid. Not even footwear really, these barely protective scraps are fashionable with women, children and peasants in tropical nations. No matter how hot it is outside, real men wear shoes.
(That's not to say I'm a real man. I wouldn't imply such a thing. I'm just saying.)
Wednesday, August 4
On stuff I refuse to wear
Hats
With the sole exception of tuques (which I admire greatly), hats are a useless nuisance committed to destroying styled hair and one-hundred percent effective at branding you a poseur. Name a hat you would wear to a serious setting, such as a funeral. If you answered anything but, "I probably wouldn't wear a hat, unless of course the funeral is outside, like on the frozen tundra, in minus forty degree weather with eighty kilometre per hour winds, because let's say it's an Inuit funeral, not that I know the exact (or even an inexact) procedure of a Inuit funeral, but I assume they are outside, then I would wear a warm tuque and certainly a tasteful one" then you are a douchebag.
Women shall never wear hats. Only earmuffs or silk scarfs.
With the sole exception of tuques (which I admire greatly), hats are a useless nuisance committed to destroying styled hair and one-hundred percent effective at branding you a poseur. Name a hat you would wear to a serious setting, such as a funeral. If you answered anything but, "I probably wouldn't wear a hat, unless of course the funeral is outside, like on the frozen tundra, in minus forty degree weather with eighty kilometre per hour winds, because let's say it's an Inuit funeral, not that I know the exact (or even an inexact) procedure of a Inuit funeral, but I assume they are outside, then I would wear a warm tuque and certainly a tasteful one" then you are a douchebag.
Women shall never wear hats. Only earmuffs or silk scarfs.
Wednesday, July 7
On stuff I refuse to wear
Shorts
Only little boys may wear shorts without admonishment. To everyone else, take heed. When you wear shorts, you are saying quite simply: I don't take life that seriously. And mind you, I'm not opposed to that particular point of view. But for probably not very fair or easily-well-articulated reasons, I consider "little boys" the only cross-section of humanity that deserves this sumptuous state of being. Everybody else, get back to work. This includes you too, little girls and pets.
(I have used "little boys," sumptuous, and pets in a single post. This ought to get traffic bubbling.)
Only little boys may wear shorts without admonishment. To everyone else, take heed. When you wear shorts, you are saying quite simply: I don't take life that seriously. And mind you, I'm not opposed to that particular point of view. But for probably not very fair or easily-well-articulated reasons, I consider "little boys" the only cross-section of humanity that deserves this sumptuous state of being. Everybody else, get back to work. This includes you too, little girls and pets.
(I have used "little boys," sumptuous, and pets in a single post. This ought to get traffic bubbling.)
Friday, June 4
On stuff I refuse to wear
Boxer shorts
I'm not sure how these qualify as underwear. There's really nothing here. Given my aforementioned stance on "shorts" it's easy to understand my distaste for said undergarment.
Briefs are just as bad.
I'm not sure how these qualify as underwear. There's really nothing here. Given my aforementioned stance on "shorts" it's easy to understand my distaste for said undergarment.
Briefs are just as bad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)