Words I hate

Why.

In the overflowing department store of human language, I imagine the Question words would be shelved alongside tools. Questions aren't merely ornate drapery like adjectives, or clunky dust-collecting detritus like nouns, or the pushy warehouse staff of verbs. They are rough and ready devices we use to scrape and screw and hammer at the world at large.

We might be tempted to compare "Where" to a map, but it's really just a long, stiff rod, used to point. "What" is more powerful. Like a flashlight, it illuminates so that we may understand those nouns and verbs better. Sometimes, like an X-ray, it penetrates the surface of objects in space, sometimes it acts like a magnifying glass, or a lens, but is is always a vision of our reality. "When" is of course a clock, or metronome, ticking away the moments that make up a dull day, and "How" is nothing more than reams of graph paper and a pen of bottomless ink: an ostensive system of symbolic language we use to diagram the "what" and the "when" and the "where" of the world.

And then there is "Why."

It's less a tool, than a tome-covered wall, a wing-back chair and a pipe reeking of tobacco. It's hunkering down with the a single thin leaf of "how" and trying to peel that page in two identically sized but thinner sheaths, and having succeeded, trying to divide them again. It is, in a sense, the conclusion that there are not enough books on the wall, and not enough hours in the wing-back chair and not enough tobacco nor pipes in the world to decide questions as resolutely solved.

While "what" may serve to illuminate the darkest room, and "where" might guide us to the place we never expected to find answers, and "when" might remind us of our place in the utter calamity of existence, "why" does quick and steady violence to what we think we know. It's more than a cascade of books' pages dividing in a reckless mitosis: it is an earthquake, destroying a mountain, in the depths of hell.

Like causation, free will, God, consciousness, and Harvey Kornbluth's sense of self worth, one has an urge to believe in "why" more than one can satisfy what it truly requires. Namely, an unblinking dissatisfaction with the way anything is. Imagine the arrogance to demand that we not only understand the present in toto, but the entirety of the past and the meaning of the future too. It is the question, "what came first" and thus shall never be answered; any more than one can address "what is what?" and "how does how?" and "when is when?" and when there is no more paper left to splice, Why will still hold aloft a scalpel and furrow its brow and cite its sources and sigh, bemused the the ground has not yet stopped shaking.

I often ruminate on why I write these words, but no more. Instead, I resolve to remember the angle of the sun or moon, the firmness of the chair upon which I sit, the temperature of the wind, and then use these words to assemble the what, the when, and the where to explain how -- whatever the how -- and leave the why untouched between the fibres of the versos and rectos of philosophy textbooks.

Words I hate

Whilst.

Listen asshole, you aren't British and you never will be. Who are you trying to kid with that "whilst" business? What, suddenly you're continental and sophisticated because you added a hiss and a flick of the tongue to the end of an ordinary word? Bra-fucking-vo. You probably own a tweed blazer.

Did you grow up watching the BBC and pretending that Marmite doesn't taste like meningitis? Do you call aboriginals "niggers" and have a snaggle tooth? Is your skin translucent? Do you insist that their exist micro-regional variations in British accents, down to the street? Does your telephone have a shitty two-pulse ring? Do you claim that your ancestors "invented" a language that your citizenry is vehemently destroying on a daily basis? No?

In that case, when you see the words "chiefly British" in the dictionary, respect them — you fuckin' twat.

Words I hate

Cotillion.

Sure, I'm no connoisseur of elegance in the form of dresses, long white gloves, the American south, young women, and curtsying. In fact, I would be lying if I said I've never entertained a drowsy afternoon fantasy of driving a Volkswagen Jetta on to ballroom floor of a debutante ball, whipping a Koran at some old lady's head, and then lighting myself on fire.

But all the same this word's just gross. Every time I hear it, I can feel the tip of a quill being lifted from dusty parchment. Knowing that its origin is French doesn't help any.

Words I hate

I'm assuming the male equivalent of a seamstress is a "seamster." This is a leap of logic to be sure (and certainly wrong) but let me roll with this and declare for the Official Record that I hate this word. A seamster is just a softened Teamster, and I already hate those fucks.

Steamster is just a gayer version of same. I don't know what a steamstress does.

Words I hate

Succulent.

The word is just gross. It's unsettling to guide the movements of your mouth from the sibilant "suck" to the obtuse and tongue-heavy "lent." You can't merely utter this word. You practically fellate it as it wriggles out of your mouth. "Succulent" is the creepy uncle of words, fondling your soft genitals as you sleep.

Words I hate

I think we should be friends.

As in, "I like you and all Harvey, and it's clear that we have some chemistry, and I'm obviously attracted to you on some level since we have progressed this far, but in spite of all this, I feel like yanking the ripcord on this freefall into possible happiness. And rather than tell you the truth: that I think you're not as attractive a man as I could possibly acquire if I tried a little harder, or that it takes you too long to get me to orgasm, or that it's really just too far of a bike ride to get to your place (and uphill no less), I shall opt to deliver a meaningless falsehood, viz., that I don't want a relationship (a statement that has never been true for anyone, anywhere) and that we should really just be friends. And obviously, I know this course of action is as effective a catalyst for friendship as jamming a railroad spike into someone's brain is for iron deficiency, but when I smile with my small perfect teeth and match my light brown eyes with your dark sad ones, I shall mouth the words "I wish it didn't have to be this way," and say those words too, feeling all the while that I have been rescued from the oppressive weight of the pernicious rock that is you."

I don't care for these words in this order. Please don't say them to me.

Words I hate

Bromance.

I don't really know what this concept is. I feel, however, that if "bromance" was a pliable substance stretched liked putty or clay, the result would (metaphorically) resemble a goateed gentleman wearing a fitted baseball cap backwards screaming "NO HOMO" right before he goes down on a guy playing Madden on Xbox. Fortunately, there is no such substance so you can do whatever you want with the provided mental image. You're welcome.

Expressions I can't stand

Cold snap.
I hate everything about this. What's so snappy about it? Ugh, even the word "snappy" gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Worse for wear.
What the fuck? How redundant is this shit. Just say "worn out."

Time's up.
I don't actually hate these combinations of words so much as the person saying them. If you ever find yourself using this expression (whether in an official capacity or not) you are probably an asshole.

Back to basics.
Fine, no one actually says this.

Words I hate

Babe.

Do you call your girlfriend babe? Your boyfriend? Just about anyone? Are you Dennis Miller?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, I shall pray as-hard-as-an-atheist-can-pray that you are shot dead at point blank range. Preferably right after you wake up, or while saying goodbye to a loved one. I don't particularly care how infrequently you use the term, or that your significant other started it. If this word is being bandied about your relationship, it is your responsibility to end it.

Using babe after the world "total" is also an egregious offense. Do not describe anyone this way.

Lookit: babe means baby which, upon simple reflection, is a fucked up thing to call another adult. It's OK to mock infantilists for wearing diapers and fetishizing acting like a baby, but calling someone you fuck a baby is OK? Not in my books, babe.

I don't care how long you were on SNL. Cut it the fuck out.

Words I hate

I remember the first time I heard he expression "goody goody two shoes." It was so weird and alarming to my young ears I immediately dropped my toys, and imagine probably started crying too. It was in one of those shitty Rankin-Bass cartoons it's very utterance filled my head with a tonne of questions:

• did I just hear that?
• am I sure?
• what does that mean?

Okay, just three I guess. But I was plenty confused. I gathered through context and tone that this was meant derisively. I was also able to surmise from the "goody goody" that what was being mocked was altruism and mewling supplicating behaviour. I got all that. But "two shoes"? I hated hearing it. It made me angry, and twenty years later still does. Wikipedia doesn't help at all:

Goody Two-Shoes is a variation of the Cinderella story. The fable tells of GoodyTwo-Shoes, the nickname of a poor orphan girl named Margery Meanwell, who goes through life with only one shoe. When she is given a complete pair by a rich gentleman, she is so happy that she tells everyone that she has "two shoes". Later, Margery becomes a teacher and marries a rich widower. This earning of wealth serves as proof that her virtuousness has been rewarded, a popular theme in children's literature of the era.

What a lousy moral takeaway: if you're poor, a "rich gentleman" will surely stop by and purchase what you need for you. Oh, and if you can, try to marry a rich widower too. Be sure to brag about your shit.

Further reading reveals that the story author is unknown. Well, no shit. With such a paper-thin premise, I'd be embarrassed to take credit too. This story is long forgotten, but somehow this ungainly Victorian expression still thrives. Let's kill it please.

Words I hate

Not only do I hate the word "mouthfeel," but the concept is utterly repellant also.  It's less-than-amazing to hear people wax erotic about wine and foodstuffs; letting me know how it feels on your tongue is just superfluous.  And gross.  Really, really gross.

Actually, most terminology related to food tasting borders on the obscene.  People should not be using words like "fleshy" and "supple" and "prickle(?)" to describe anything let alone beverages.  Can we just use simple booleans to size up our grape-based potables?

• Drinkable
• Non-drinkable

That should be more than sufficient.  Let's leave your tongue out of it.

Words I hate

Bummer.

When people say, "that's a bummer," they mean, "oh no dude, that totally blows" but I can't help but hear a plainly descriptive term for a homosexual.

"That's a bummer.  Right there.  And look, there's another one."  If it's not working for you, try it again with an English accent.  Better?

Then again, Wiktionary says:

During the American Civil War, especially during Sherman's southern campaign, "bummers" would leave the ranks sometimes for a week or more to forage and incidentally to reconnoiter. [My emphasis.]

So I really don't know what to believe.  I'm just going to avoid the word altogether.

Words I hate

Cuppa.  As in "cuppa good soup" or "pass me a cuppa" of anything.  If I understand it correctly, the British use this word for tea as in "I could use a cuppa."

That's it.  That's where the sentence stops.  WTF.

Hearing this makes my blood boil.  It's already hard enough to bear "I'll take a litre 'ah' cola" instead of "litre of cola" (and won't fuss over the voiceless labiodental fricative, I'm not a monster); but it will take every fibre of restraint I possess (and some that I do not) to not strangle you when you say "cuppa."

Consider yourself warned.

Words I hate

Given the resources and time I'm certain I could prove mathematically, that anyone who uses the term "fortnight" is a complete douchebag.

There are exceptions of course.  For example, those swiped from the fifteenth century by time pirates.  But even in this rare circumstance, I would hope these confused time-travelers would be briefed on the appropriate use of the "F" word in our time period, viz. never.  Ever.

Barring the time pirate scenario, only the most rigorous farmers of douche whip out this anachronism. I can't understand why anyone would. Frankly, there are only two reasons to use this outmoded and obsolete junk-word:

1. You want to be appear clever by showing you know what "fortnight" means.
2. You willfully want to confuse anyone who doesn't know what "fortnight" means.

No matter how you slice it, you're a douche.  Why do you need to measure things in two-week periods anyway?  On the 'Bullshit Measurement of Time' scale it's nestled between 'Olympiad' and megaannums. Unless you're editing Silas Marner, you don't need to use the word "fortnight."

Besides, if something is going to happen in two weeks just drop the subject.  It's too far away for me to care.

Words I hate

Is it just me or does the word "peckish" sound like it means "I would love to snack on a penis right now"?

Words I hate

Jewnatalia.  It's possible that I (just) invented this crude portmanteau, but that doesn't mean I like it.  On a related note, how is it that there are no porn stars named Jenna Talia?  It seems like a no-brainer to me.

After a quick Google search, nevermind.

But since we're here, how about the term "no-brainer"?  This expression should be dropped like it's hot from the English language.  And ditto "dropped like it's hot."  And I would also add: "ditto."

Words I hate

I actually don't hate the word "wastrel."  It just doesn't fit its definition.  It actually means "profligate, or one who wastes resources," but when I hear it I can't help but think "single-use minstrel; a disposable musician."

Words I hate

Having had enough of my BlackBerry suggesting "ducking" when I want to convey "fucking," I decided to clean up my custom dictionary.  (For those that don't know, this can be accessed via your Options menu, but I'll be Goddamned if I'm going to tell you how.  What is this, Howard Forums?)

What I found was a lexicographical nightmare.  To my shame, I had a cache of loathsome non-words each added by Yours Truly.  I can't honestly say I was drunk when adding every one, but I'd like to think that I was.

For educational purposes I am publishing my findings.  I consider these terms deprecated.  I hope you will do the same.

• biggie
• boners
• bonerz
• bonkers
• boyee
• boyeeeeeeee
• cocksuckerism
• drupal
• dping (as in "double-penetrating")
• dunner
• froxen
• hottie
• killah
• Mariah (I have no idea)
• Mississauga
• probs
• sestina
• travis
• wendyswendys
• whattup
• wots
• zut
  

I'm particularly embarrassed by the inclusion of Drupal.  Everyone knows it's all about WP.

Words I hate

I'm not sure which is a worse abomination: is it the liberal use of PS? In speech? In the middle of speech? Repeatedly in the middle of speech? For example:

Bib: PS don't you think it's time you threw out those shoes?
Bub: Remember where I got these shoes, PS? And PS, who's talking about shoes, Ms. BOGO slut?
Bib. P.S. Whose the one that drove us to the mall in the FIRST place!

Or is it the brutally inept use of AKA?

Kate: I was talking to John that other day
Max: AKA rapist king
Kate: AKA the best rapist of life
Max: AKA i like to rape guys because i'm a closet case?

I can't really make a positive case for either, so I shall focus on the purely negative aspects of each. These are legion. For starters, the use of initialisms in spoken is english is rarely necessary. The obfuscation often caused by these linguistic shibboleths frequently outweigh the benefit of the time saved by eliminating information.

But also, it's just retarded. PS? It's stupid enough to use PS in written communication, let alone conversation. Anyone who ends a letter with a PS is either a) living in a time period where they used quills or b) incapable of adequately planning for small-form projects such as written correspondence and should thus be deemed a candidate for elimination from the species.

To use PS in electronic communication -- which allows almost unrestricted power to revise -- is at best horribly prententious, and at worst needlessly cute.

To use it in spoken communication as a cheap filler word, is a crime against humanity.

On the otherhand the abuse of AKA is also severe. Yes, it does translate to AKA, so it's use is not precisely incorrect. But like the infamous "literally", it's used too often and "not correctly enough" to escape censure. In the example above, AKA is used to denote a sort of divisive punctuation between related thoughts AKA a comma.

It's being used as a comma. You wouldn't say the word "comma" would you? (Would you??) As such, don't use AKA.

P.S. Don't use P.S. either.

Words I hate

Supper. Plain and simple.