A completely whispered dissertation on the milk to cereal ratio

Son? Michael? Psst. Michael. Michael. Michael! Hey, good, you're up. Good morning! What? I think it's 6:30. It's a bit early I know, but I wanted to catch you before school today.

Saturday? Already? I guess Daddy just lost track of the days. That happens sometimes when grownups are "funemployed." No, no. That's just a joke, son. It just makes it seem more... fun. Your mother doesn't get it either. But since you're up, I just wanted to talk to you about something important. It's been on my mind for a while, and I've been putting it off, but anyway -- I hope we can talk about this now. You know how you like to eat cereal each morning? Well, I wanted to talk to you about that. About how to eat cereal.

I know you know how to eat cereal, Michael, but there's a right way and a wrong way. And I'm your father. I have to make sure you know how to do it the right way, OK? Now, for different kinds of cereal there will be different optimal amounts, but no matter what kind of cereal you're eating there will be an amount that is too much or too little. And it's important that you stay within these boundaries.

Michael, please try to pay attention.

Well, this may seem boring but there's a lot to it. We're talking about a delicate balance here. There isn't any other meal that combines starch and dairy products in such an intimate way. I don't want you to take this lightly. But don't be embarrassed about it either. You can always come to me with questions. Do you have any questions now?

Are you sure? You can ask me anything.

No? OK, well, I guess a good place to start would be to go through different kinds of cereal. Flakes are the most common, and there are also shapes, weaves, muesli or grain-based cereals, sugar cereals and then everything else, like bran buds, kasha, and other stuff you probably don't like anyway. But you might want to eat these kinds someday, so it's good to be prepared. Anyway, it almost goes without saying that you should pour the cereal first—

OK, OK, you know this, but I just wanted to make sure. I'm your father, Michael. So, you pour the cereal into the bowl, but not all the way to the top. Do you know why?

That's right! You need to leave room for the milk. You're a smart kid, you know that? You get that from me. Your impatience and temper, that's your mom's doing. But let's not get into that now. Anyway, when you're pouring your milk you're probably wondering, how much room do I leave? And how much milk do you add? Those are kind of tough questions, and I understand if you aren't sure about this. To be honest, when I was your age I had no clue. Really.

Michael, please don't go back to sleep. This next part is important. You see, you have to think about what kind of cereal you poured and it's absorption rate of milk.

Well, "absorption" means how fast the cereal sucks up the milk. Like a sponge. Kind of like your mom is sucking up the money I've worked 30 years for while—

No, no, nevermind. Some cereals, like flakes, absorb milk really fast while others, like those little Os, are much slower. And you've got to think about that before you add the milk.

Just a second. We're not done, yet. Are you like this in school, Michael? You really have to pay attention. I mean, sure you might think you know all about cereal -- I'm sure I certainly did at your age -- but there are other things to consider. Like transportability. You don't want to fill your bowl with so much milk that it is difficult to take to wherever you are having breakfast. You'll spill everywhere. This is why I always make my bowl in the exact spot I consume it. There's no chance of spillage.

What the Hell does she know? You mother has no— I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean, yes, I occasionally spill a few flakes in the living room when I am having cereal. But that happens to everyone. Daddy's under a lot of stress these days.

Because some people think it's easy to just find a new job just-like-that, so Daddy spends most of his days as an errand-boy for a temperamental shrew who things being a dermatologist makes her some kind of life-saving--

I'm sorry, I'm getting off topic. This next part is a little tricky, so pay attention. So consider that every cereal has it's maximum absorption level. That's the most amount of milk that will be absorbed by the cereal. So before you even start pouring the milk, you're going to want to think about how much milk you want leftover in the bowl and whether or not you are prepared to drink it. And I don't want you slurping it up with your spoon either. You will have to lift the bowl with both hands, and drink it down.

Because that's the polite thing to do. Breakfast isn't a free-for-all, son. There are rules and there is a right way of going about things. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Some cereals, especially those sugar cereals you like so much, will impart flavour and particles to the leftover milk. Are you prepared for that? Personally, I can't stand the flavour milk takes on—

I'm just teaching our son about cereal.

I know perfectly well what time it is—

Because I think it's important.

Well, he's my son too, so I think—

I was going to do that later. I don't need to answer—

Let's pick this up later, son.

Breakfast

I descended into the living groggily and stopped on the fifth stair from the bottom. Gerry and Marianne were fucking on the couch.

Now I guess this isn't all that shocking. The sexual tension between those two had been on the rise for some time now. Marianne was cute; her slender limbs were porcelain from never seeing the sun, and her mane of curly dark hair shook when she spoke in excited tones. (Which was often, because she studied sociology: the science of getting excited by recognizing basic patterns.) Now, Gerry wasn't all that much to look at if you ask me. He was lanky dude with a blond mop for a haircut, a square jaw, and a serious common sense deficiency. He missed his first day of engineering because he didn't realize his classes were in different buildings. But he's a decent enough guy, I guess. We all moved in together in second year, and I noticed the connection even then.

I mean, it was hard not to notice: the casual flirting when they were preparing their dinners in our small kitchen, or the secret smiles to each other when we all watched TV on the couch, or the emergence of tawdry innuendo on alcohol-fuelled nights. They probably didn't know it, but what was unfolding this morning as I was about to grab breakfast and head to my first class, was inevitable.

But what was surprising was the squalid tableau: there they were, both porcelain limbs and lanky, wet with sweat, engorged with lust, smelling of sex, and most importantly: covered with what appeared to be peanut butter and chocolate. Marianne was wearing a violet-coloured strap-on dildo also.

Half-empty condoms lay gasping on the coffee table and floor, punctuated by wrappers for Reese peanut butter cups. The stairs, as they always did, announced my arrival with pronounced creaks.

I could see Marianne's grip on Gerry's shoulders tighten as I made eye contact with her. Gerry raised his head like a helium balloon loosened from a child's grip. He wore an expression of fatigue and pain and shame. As their mechanistic fucking screeched to a nervous and self-conscious halt, I made my way past the couch to the kitchen to fetch breakfast.

The couch springs had been silenced. The room that was erstwhile filled with moans, grunts, and the slap of sex toys against sphincters, was now overpowered by trivial noises spilling from the kitchen: the scrape of ceramic bowls sliding apart and the gentle thud of a cereal box placed on the counter. Listening carefully, you could even detect the heavier strike of raisins amid the flakes of bran as they fell into the empty bowl.

I poured the milk, found a spoon, and lifted the bowl.

Turning back to the living room, I noticed the two hadn't moved an inch. Now, I normally eat in front of the TV, but I thought it better to avoid this vista of peanut butter, chocolate and sex.

As I passed the couch, I looked directly into my bowl and pulled a spoonful of cereal to my mouth.

"We're breaking up, Marianne."

As I ascended you could hear a sigh and the telltale creak of the steps.