Real letters from real geeks

Dearest munchers of kale,

I've had just about enough of the Vegan Agenda pervading all aspects of civilized life. Just yesterday I bore witness to something so horrifying I could have snapped a vegan's neck in two and sucked the marrow from her bones like a zombie crazed by bloodlust. A carton of vegan eggnog.

Have we all lost our minds? For too long I have personally tolerated the choices vegans make as a quaint (but laughable) dietary choice. Sure, not everyone has to enjoy meat, or cheese, or eggs. (Honey offends you too? OK, whatever.) But when you concoct alternatives to decidedly unvegan things like eggnog, I have to speak up.

Because —you lactarded grass-eating fucks— eggnog is not for you. Not for you! Eggnog is not vegan. It doesn't just contain dairy and egg, it is dairy and egg. That's the essence of the product, like dead animals are the essence of meat, or being perpetually cranky and having a holier-than-thou attitude is the essence of being a vegan. It's a decadent fucking beverage for people who love life, not self-hating imbibers of green smoothies.

One of the things you give up when you become a vegan (besides all of my respect) is eggnog. You don't get to drink it, because it's not a vegan beverage.

Now, before you say in your shrill, malnourished tones: "but eggnog is delicious and we would like to partake," I must preempt and say, "Go fuck yourself." I know eggnog is yummy. It's made of sugar and eggs and cream: amazing fucking things that you have chosen to eschew. You want to get in on the action by making a non-dairy, non-egg version of a dairy and egg drink? That's offensive. That's worse than drinking non-alcoholic beer; that's like drinking grape-free wine. It's almost spiteful in its idiocy.

Live with your goddamn stupid choice, and leave the eggnog to grownups. You can't eat your walnut-based-gluten-free-stevia-sweetened cake and have it too you fucking clods.

Go to Hell and happy holidays,

Harvey

Observational humour about patently false things

Am I the only one that's sick of seeing these commercials offering free sterilizations to the homeless and mentally handicapped? Like, I'm watching the game, and I can't get through a single inning without a heavy-set woman coming on TV and telling me: "do the right thing." You know what I mean? Leave me alone. I'm trying to eat a hotdog here!

And speaking of hotdogs, I'd like just once to be able to eat a steak without someone from PETA stripping naked and taking a dump on my plate at a restaurant. Has this happened to you yet? Let me tell you, it's more than a little bit annoying. These people are militant! I mean the naked part I can get behind. Some of these broads are lookers. I guess eating nothing but quinoa and walnut stew will do that for you. But when they climb up on to your table and start defecating? Major turn off. And that's when your waiter becomes impossible to find too. That's the worst.

How many people here drive to work? I know what it's like. I used to take the same route to work for five years, and it was terrible. I'd see the craziest stuff on the freeway too. Like women doing their makeup, or people eating food. This one time I saw a guy drafting, writing and publishing a three volume book on his steering wheel. The whole shebang. He had paper notes, a small word processor, an English dictionary, and a printing press on his dashboard. And I thought listening to audiobooks while driving was being productive. This guy is writing sequels and changing lanes at the same time. Oh, and it was a pretty good read — but I had to get off the highway by chapter three.