Bitches versus bitches

I'm not sure but I think I might prefer dogs to women. Some key points in favour of canines:

• I'm not tempted to have sex with dogs, and am therefore less likely to waste my time watching them eat and chuckling at their not-really-that-funny observations.
• I never have to pretend that I like the same music as a dog.
• Dogs are 100% sure of what they want at all times, viz., to drool on you. 
• Dogs don't text me with "UGH. I hate men" at two in the morning.
• Were a dog to ask my opinion on something (which it won't) it would not respond with "Really? But those shoes are so ugly."
• Dogs can't talk, and they don't have stupid ideas.
• Dogs aren't obsessed with yogurt.
• Dogs don't own 50 pairs of shoes.
• Dogs don't tell you that it's OK if we don't visit their parents this weekend, but then check with several times leading up to Friday, if you "still don't want to go," which like, I clearly don't — that's why I said I didn't want to go — but then, will get her way with persistent and healthy doses of guilt and then while driving up North say, "you know, you didn't have to come if you didn't want." And then continue to paint her nails in the front seat of the car, but won't roll down the windows because it will mess her hair up.
• Dogs always prefer it doggy style.
• Dogs don't mind if you forget their birthday.

Also, having them put down is socially acceptable.

Cyberbullying

Two parents argue from opposite sides of the breakfast table.

Dad: Tyson! Where is that kid? His food is getting cold.
Mom: Derek, stop. He doesn’t want to come down. You know he’s feeling low.
Dad: Why? Because of that kid online?
Mom: Yes. He’s being cyberbullied.
Dad: How is that a thing?
Mom: It’s very real.
Dad: Getting bullied online? What kind of a vagina is this kid?
Mom: Derek!
Dad: Look getting bullied on the playground is one thing. Tyson is a twerp and will obviously get pounded by someone bigger than him. But isn’t the computer supposed to be his domain? He’s constantly in front of that thing. Don’t tell me he’s a loser online too.
Mom: Derek. Our son is not a loser. But the other kids are making fun of him online and—
Dad: Can’t he just turn it off? Am I missing something here?
Mom: He’s not going to turn off his computer every time.
Dad: Then tell him to close the tab!
Mom:
Dad:
Mom: I don’t know if he’s using a tabbed browser.
Dad: Jesus, then what kind of a nerd is he?

If you have a significant other...

How could it be possible that his or her parents actually like you? It's not, because you are having sex with their child. Let that sink in. You are blithely fucking (or at least have fucked) something two people created and reared for probably most of their lives. They nursed her wounds when she scraped her knee, and you probably came on her face two nights ago.

That's why the dinner conversation is awkward. It needs to be. Stop complaining because it could be worse.