Wild speculation

On polar bears:

God: Tracy, could you come over here for a moment?
God's P.A. Tracy: Yes, sir. What is it?
God: What's the cutest animal we have designed?
Tracy: I think that would be the white bear with the black nose.
God: Right. We need to move it far away from the humans.
Tracy: Why?
God: Because they will be too distracted by its cuteness.
Tracy: (writing in her pad) OK, white bears to ice caps. What about puppies should we move those too?
God: No. That's different.

Wild speculation

On the invention of coincidence:

Bib: Could you imagine if two people had the same idea at the same time?
Bub: I was just thinking that!

Wild speculation

On the creation of doorknobs:

Marcus: And there you are. You shall now have privacy in your chambers.
Selene: I am most grateful. How does it work?
Marcus: You simply press the door closed like so. (Click)
Selene:
Marcus:
Selene: And how do you open it?
Marcus: Fuck.

Wild Speculation

On the Higgs boson:

Tracy: Sir, I need you for a minute.
God: I'm sorry did you say something?
Tracy: (sigh) This is important, sir. Can you tear yourself away from that football game for just a second?
God: But they need me! It's regional championships.
Tracy: Sir. This is important.
God: (Slaps his Macbook shut.) Fine. What is it now? Sloths too slow?
Tracy: The humans are asking serious questions about matter. Particles. They want to know what gives them mass.
God: That's it? Just burn the answer into a taco or something.
Tracy: But we don't know sir.
God: Shouldn't we have figured this out already? Just look in the Big Bang Binder.
Tracy: (curtly) Well, the day we were supposed to have figured it out it was the NCAA finals.
God:
Tracy:
God: Fine, just develop a new force.
Tracy: That won't work. They have a model.
God: OK... then make it a field that interacts with particles to give them mass.
Tracy: A field? Made up of what?
God: I dunno, more particles?
Tracy: Whatever you say, sir.
God: And make these actually hard to discover for My sake. I've gotta get back to this game.

Wild Speculation

On the invention of gravity:

God: I'm sick of all this matter flying apart.
Tracy: Maybe you could tweak the first law of motion?
God: Say what?
Tracy: Corpus omne perseverare in statu suo quiescendi vel movendi uniformiter in directum, nisi quatenus a viribus impressis cogitur statum illum mutare?
God: Yeah, I know. I wrote that.
Tracy: Yes, but what I mean is, do objects need to move apart ceaselessly? Maybe you could make it so things slow down after a while.
God: No. I like when things move fast.
Tracy: Right, but sir, that means these atoms are just going to spread apart across the universe.
God: So?
Tracy: Sir, you were just complaining about--
God: Right, right. So what do we do? I like when things go fast.
Tracy: Yes, sir.
God: What if we made it is so everything comes together fast too?
Tracy: That sounds kind of counterproductive, I mean--
God: Let's make it happen.
Tracy: So we're adding another force that contradicts inertia?
God: Actually, if you could make it the resultant effect of the curvature of spacetime caused by a massive body, that would be super.
Tracy: (sigh)

Wild Speculation

On electricity:

Jim: What is that? It looks suspicious.
Jem: Try sticking your tongue on it.
Jim: (electrocuted)
Jem: Jim? Jim?
Jim:
Jem: Somebody get me a toaster! I think I'm on to something!

Wild speculation

On divorce:

Jack: I hate being married.
Jill: Well, that makes two of us.
Jack: Wish we could do something about it.
Jill: Yeah, me too.

Wild speculation

On the invention of books:

Sycophant: Your latest drama has arrived, sire.
Aristocrat: Excellent. My, that's quite a stack of folio.
Sycophant: Quite.
Aristrocrat: Tell me, Jervais, is there a gentleman on staff that would hold the pages before me as I read?
Sycophant: Indubitably.

Later:

Aristocrat: Next page....

And after that:

Aristocrat: Next page....

And after that:

Aristocrat: Next page...

Prole: You know sir, it might be easier if you bound these pages in a sturdy substance such as leather or wood.  That would serve to protect the pages from handling, and make the act of reading alone a practical reality.

Aristocrat: Jervais, remove this man at once!

Wild speculation

On the Black Death:

God: These Rats are out of control.  Here, kill them with this.
Tracy: Er, this is some seriously strong stuff.
God: Those fuckers don't stand a chance.
Tracy: No, I mean, this is strong enough to kill half the planet.
God: Then just use a little bit.
Tracy: I'm not sure--
God: What's the worst that could happen?

Wild speculation

On the creation of the giraffe:

God: Tracy, can you pull up the horse?
Tracy: Sir, the horse has been completed.  If we could just move on to more--
God: It'll only take a second.
Tracy: Yes, sir.
God: Good.  I want you to make it yellow with some brown splotches.
Tracy:  OK, done.  Now if --
God: No, no, no, no.  It's gotta be more brown.
Tracy:
God: More brown than that.
Tracy:
God: No, no.  I need more.  Just--
Tracy: How's this?
God: Why are you being so skimpy? 
Tracy: So basically you want it brown with some yellow?
God: Great.  And give it horns.
Tracy: Yes, sir.
God: And can you stretch it's neck out a little bit?
Tracy: Like this?
God: More.
Tracy:
God: More.
Tracy:
God: Just a little more.
Tracy: Are you serious--
God: Longer!  Come on, we haven't got all day.
Tracy: All right.
God: Little bit more.
Tracy:
God: That's too much.
Tracy: Are you kidding me?
God: Fine, just leave it.  Just fix that tail and make a few thousand of them.  For now let's call it the "Superhorse."

Wild speculation

On the great flood:

Man: Hey, God!  Can you hear me, loser?
Tracy: Just ignore him, sir.
Man: Hey, God!  You suck balls.  You hear me?
Tracy: I'll handle this, Tracy.
Tracy: Yes sir.  It's just that sometimes you tend to overreact and—
Man: Hey God, you're a faggot!
God: That does it.  Tracy, get hydro on the line.

Wild speculation

On the discovery of sarcasm:

Man 1: Welcome back.  Is it nice outside?
Man 2: Well, it's blustery cold and windy and raining.
Man 1: That doesn't very nice at all.
Man 2: Are you retarded? Yes, in fact, it's a wonderful day outside.
Man 1: Hm.
Man 2: I didn't mean it Gerald.  The weather is quite poor.
Man 1: I see what you did there.
Man 2: Quite.

Wild speculation

On the creation of the zebra:

God: Hey, bring that horse over here.  It needs some tweaking.
God's P.A. Tracy:  Sir, that animal was completed months ago.  It's been mass-produced already.  It's ready to be ship.
God: Just bring it here.
Tracy:  Sighs.  OK, here.  Just try not to change -- Oh, wow.  I'm not sure I would call that a 'tweak'...
God: Nice, eh?
Tracy:  This is going to take forever.

Wild speculation

On the creation of the number zero:

Mathematician 1: I don't get it, where does it go?

Mathematician 2: Obviously, it comes right before one.

Mathematician 1: But nothing comes before one!

Mathematician 2: Precisely.

Mathematician 1:

Mathematician 2: Hmm?

Mathematician 1: Ahhh... I get it.

Wild speculation

On the creation of language:

Homo neanderthalensis #1: Uhh... (grunts)
Homo neanderthalensis #2: Hmm... (grunts)
Homo neanderthalensis #1: Uhh... hi?
Homo neanderthalensis #2: Hmm... (grunts) ...what?
Homo neanderthalensis #1: I said, "hi."
Homo neanderthalensis #2: What's that mean?
Homo neanderthalensis #1: What's "mean" mean?
Homo neanderthalensis #1: Whoa...
Homo neanderthalensis #2: Dude, I know.

Wild speculation

On the origin of blue whales:

God: Fuck, we have a lot of blubber left over.
God's personal assistant, Tracy: (Sighs.) Yes, sir. We knew we were going to have an excess after the belugas, remember?
God: Right. All right: we're going to build another whale.
Tracy: Sir, with all due respect, we've been making a lot of whales this month and --
God: Fuck it. I'm not getting stuck with all this blubber. We're making a whale and we're making it huge.
Tracy: Yes, sir.

She enters the calculations into her Macbook.

Tracy: How about this? It's significantly bigger than the other specimens.
God: No, no. Make it bigger.
Tracy: Sir?
God: Bigger.
Tracy: OK... how's that?
God: Bigger, damnit.
Tracy: Sir? We've never made an animal this large. Not even the dinosaurs --
God: What part of "bigger" is giving you trouble? Step aside.

God takes the mouse.

Tracy: Uh. Wow. That's... really big.
God: That's what I'm talking about. That's a big fucking fish.
Tracy: Mammal.
God:
Tracy: I beg your pardon, sir.
God: Any ideas for colour? That's not really my department.
Tracy: Blue? I don't know --
God: Done. Blue whale. Name it, make a hundred thousand, move on to birds. I gotta grab some lunch, I'm starving.