A promising challenge

A container of yogurt recently invited me to take part in an interesting human v. dairy duel:

Enjoy Activia® every day for 14 days and feel the difference to your digestive system. If you’re not satisfied, we’ll refund your money.

That's it? That's not much of a "challenge." Eat yogurt every day? I think I can handle that, boys. That said, I'm not sure about this "feel the difference to your digestive system" whizz-bang. My digestive system is pretty resistant to dramatic change. My colon votes conservative. What kind of differences are we talking? Will it take me 15 minutes to digest a steak? Will my stool be tricoloured?

Besides, who notices positive changes to their digestive process? Negative changes, sure. But do they mean merely that if I make it through the 14 days without undergoing violent diarrhea I won the challenge? Or did I lose?

I consulted the FAQ:

Consuming Activia® for 14 days can help you reduce intestinal transit time as well as help you regulate your digestive system naturally.

That sounds great. How much of this shit can I eat?

Scientific studies have demonstrated Activia®’s benefits with just a single serving per day. But the same studies have also shown a direct relationship between the quantity consumed and the results achieved: effectiveness was even greater when consumption reached up to three servings per day.

Fuck it, why not eat a case per day? But er, what happens after the 14 days are up? Can I take another challenge or how does that work? Am I allowed to still eat your potent broth of bacteria?

Of course! It’s even recommended that you maintain your daily consumption, since the benefits associated with Activia® cease when consumption is halted. Make Activia® a delicious part of your diet every day!

What about these assholes I live with? Can they get into this yogurt or will they die? I'm kind of hesitant to share it with them since they didn't do any of the paperwork for the "challenge."

Absolutely! Activia® yogurt is ideal for the whole family. It’s nutritious and a source of calcium that can be a part of a healthy, balanced diet for children that already consume dairy products—each and every day!

Enough of this dogshit. I doubt any of these questions were asked even once, let alone "frequently." Because it was late, I kept digging and found this:

OFFICIAL RULES FOR THE ACTIVIA® PROMISE (Formerly known as the ACTIVIA® CHALLENGE)

What the fuck? So it's no longer a challenge (which I concur, is bullshit) but a promise? As in you promise my innards are going to feel fantastic after two weeks of eating yogurt?

WHAT IS THE ACTIVIA PROMISE?
Only delicious Activia has the exclusive culture Bifidus Regularis® and helps regulate your digestive system. We PROMISE that you will love how you feel or get your money back.

Oh, I get it. To make good on the promise you have to send them a note that states that you "hate how you feel," and only freaks that wear leather and avoid the sun can write that shit without irony or self-deceit. And we all know those goths hate dairy. Well played, Danone.

This post was inspired by true events

I have recently seen a slew of movie adverts (trailers, if you will) offering that the film being sold is "inspired by true events." Not a dramatization of a true story mind you, which would be "based on a true story." I think the claim is merely that the idea for the film followed, and was a direct consequence of, actual events occurring in reality.

But isn't every movie inspired by true events? In fact, isn't every narrative work inspired by true events? Fuck it, everything, anywhere, that can be considered art is inspired by true events. For starters, there are no true events. There are events, and events that did not happen are not called "false events." They are called fiction. Sure, some fiction inspires other fiction, but ultimately a "true event" started off the process. That war exists means we can have war movies. And every romance written was probably written by someone who experienced the relevant emotions in reality. They were all inspired by events.

Who gives a shit? Are we that impressed with veracity? If real life was that interesting, why would I shell out over $10 to see a simulation on screen? I could just go to the park, or work, or a public bathroom and watch interesting happenings all around me. But I don't want to do that because that is lame and boring. Art filters out the mundane and polishes and re-packages the fascinating and casts a light on it -- sometimes literally. That's what art is. But don't take time out of my busy day to remind me that the art you're trying to peddle has epistemological grounding in reality. I knew that. And it's hardly a selling point.

Vitamin Water

What is this stuff? I don't quite get it. I picked up a bottle today for the first time and all it says on it is:

c'mon is that a purse...or a suitcase? let's what you're squeezing in there. looky here, a gift card (with 89c left), three different hand creams (melon, cucumber, cucumber-melon), lip balm, lipstick, and lip gloss, oh and what's this? well your bags have inspired us. we squeezed a bunch of good stuff into this bottle -- it's got 11 key nutrients from vitamin a to zinc. just remember to save room for it in your purse. or "man-bag" (we're not judging).

What the fuck? "Looky here?" I don't ever recall being sassed by H2O before. What did I do? For the record, I wasn't even carrying a "man-bag" when I purchased this, but I should not have to defend myself against this onslaught.

I don't even know what this stuff is. Do they just smash a Centrum into a bottle of Gatorade? Bravo.  I don't see how that entitles these clowns to any level of snark. I can't believe I shelled out two bucks to be shit on by a bottle of liquid nutrients.

And yes, dudes carry purses. Where have you been for the past fourteen years? Are we to expect jokes about "lattes" and "Monica Lewinsky" next? I'm so glad that this under-capitalized attempt at observational humor  inspired you to cram "a bunch of good stuff into this bottle?" Here's a suggestion: why don't you cram this bottle (and those 11 key nutrients) up your asshole, Vitamin Water. I won't judge.

Now hiring

Seeking a well-rounded and energetic individual to fill a maternity position, at a small and dynamic firm in downtown Toronto.  You will be assisting me in a variety of office-related and not-so-office-related tasks.  The ideal candidate is well-versed in Microsoft Office, is a strong communicator, and can lift 50 lbs.  Job duties include:

• having sex with management
• becoming pregnant with management's offspring
• bearing and subsequently rearing the offspring

Must have at least 3-5 years experience gestational/admin. experience.  Because this position involves getting pregnant we ask that barren women and the Irish not apply.  Apply today if you know how to use Offset in MS Excel.

We are an equal opportunity employer (but no fatties).

• Location: Toronto
• Compensation: Getting the business from yours truly
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

A freshly cracked egg

Cracking News: Every Egg McMuffin sandwich is made with a freshly cracked Canada Grade A Egg.

Well, stop the presses.

I could have guessed that McDonald's had a sense of humility about the quality of their product -- it is fast food after all -- but do they think McFood is so shitty that they have to brag about using real eggs in their breakfast sandwiches?  Talk about battered wife syndrome.

And call me naive, but I expected nothing less than "freshly cracked" eggs.  Breakfast is already pretty moron-proof, even for a retard in a McDonald's visor.  Sure, I know about those liquid eggs in a carton, but that stuff's barely suitable for undergrads and inmates.  Should I really be surprised that McMuffins are made of, you know, actual eggs?

McDonald's confidence must be at an all time low that they are actually pitching this as "news."  As if to say: this just in, not everything on our menu is engineered bio-waste.  Also: recent studies show that that Filet-O-Fish is in fact, edible.

How are consumers supposed to react to this news?  With surprise?  With elation?  With a heartfelt nod and a "good on you, McDo"?  If they're anything like me, they reacted with a placid "no shit" followed by a deep sense of suspicion about everything else on the menu.

Shut up about your fucking eggs, you assholes.

Oh, and thanks for the free coffee!

Nostalgic post

Have you noticed the return of No Name's original package design? I was grocery shopping the other day and there was no mistaking it: Don Watt's iconic boxes of yellow and black are back.

I guess the re-branding is meant to refocus consumers' attention to the simplicity and low cost of No Name products. I picked up a carton of crackers and the change was striking. All colors, images, pizazz: gone. I suppose it's not a bad way to lure increasingly frugal shoppers in today's ever-sinking economy. If it looks cheap, thinks the financially-strapped consumer, then I must be saving money.

But for reasons unrelated to the state of the economy, it warms my heart to see the return of black Helvetian text on fields of yellow. It reminds me of my childhood.

I grew up across the street from a No Frills store. (I believe it was Scott's, but who the Hell cares.) I was fascinated by it. It was just a giant yellow brick prism that I could stare at from our living room window.

"What does "frills" mean?" I recall asking my mother. She told me something about pleating on dresses. I didn't get it.

Saturday afternoon we would trek to the grocery store. My mother would unfold her grocery cart and take me by the hand, and we'd cross the busy street, pass through the seemingly magic automatic doors, walk past the musical coin-op pony, where my feet would drag and my mother would insist "come-on", and then through the turnstile, and into a land of savings. Signs proclaimed that No Frills would not be beat on an assortment of staples, and I believed them.

And though I actually didn't enjoy nor participate in the shopping, I loved No Name products. Not only did the boxes match the intense nuclear yellow of the store façade, but the bold, black print on the boxes was entrancing. My young mind (then devouring a solid six hours a day of television) understood the concept of marketing and I could not ignore the extraordinary purity of the descriptive labels. No Name described their contents in way that none of their neighbours on the shelves did; with banal and pristine accuracy: "Bran Cereal", "Unsweetened Orange Juice", "Frozen Peas", "Women's Pantyhose".

There were no marketing euphemisms, no advertising slogans, no misleading imagery, no jazz, no frills, nothing. Nothing beyond a rote description in our two national languages.

To me, No Name represented the promise a very simple and accessible world. A world where one walks into a perfectly yellow cube, fills a cart with smaller geometric solids, equally yellow and accordingly labeled, pays, and leaves. A world with no brands, but only goods cherished for their intrinsic value. Where consumerism means nothing more than picking the cube that suits your needs and leaving the store. A world only a child could treasure really. Uncomplicated and serene. And bright fucking yellow.

(My fantasy has a certain communist charm to it, I'll admit. But I'm not a pinko.)

Eventually, as the Neon '90s gained momentum, the No Name non-brand ethos became a brand itself, and irony died of a coughing fit. The pseudo-Soviet curves of black Helvetica melted into script and serifs. Other (non-yellow) colours and pictures(!) crept on to the packaging, and No Name because indistinguishable from other store brands. Somehow in trying to become less generic, No Name became generic completely.

In an economy overrun with options, preferences, personalization and selection, it's refreshing to see simplicity return to the grocery shelves. But oddly, while they might be the only honest form of advertising in the store, to me, they also represent a lie I've held on to since childhood. Namely, the manifestation of a false utopia, simplistic, and saffron, and shielded from the vagaries of the free market.

New angle for Novartis

Stacey watches with some fascination at Harvey neatly slices open the package of Neo Citran and pours a small pile of white granules on her glass coffee table. He gingerly picks up a piece of the packet he had snipped off and rolls it into a tube.

STACEY

(puzzled)

Um, aren't you going to boil some hot water for that?

HARVEY

(nonchalantly)

Why bother?

He bends over and snorts a good portion of the powdered cold and flu relief. 

HARVEY (CONT'D)

Ah. That's better.

CUT TO:

Harvey is stacking crates in a warehouse on a forklift looking healthy and mostly alert. 

CUT TO:

Title card and logo.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Neocitran: it'll fuckin' get ya.