Water's a waste

Water isn't great. I mean, it's everything not to like about liquid. When people tell me how awesome drinks like whiskey and Diet Pepsi are made, they usually start with water and add a fuck tonne of yummy ingredients to it.

It's not unreasonable therefore to assume then that water sucks. You don't see people taking Diet Pepsi and adding a shit load of ingredients to that do you? (I mean, maybe some assholes do but that's fucking heresy if you ask me.) Diet Pepsi is fine the way it is. But water? Water needs some serious work.

Humans are so desperate to turn water into something it's not. We purify it, desalinize it, add sugar, take out minerals and other minerals, add colour, add the fermented byproduct of various decaying grains and/or fruits/vegetables, we even add bubbles for fuck's sake.

The only thing it's good for is bathing and water slides. Pass me a scotch.

The raft

Life's not an ocean, it's a raft. The ocean is the universe; existence at large. But that fragile, malleable, flimsy tarpaulin of a vessel we cling to desperately in the choppy waves is Life. And though it is tempting to puncture a hole through it and escape into the ocean's dark depths, most of us succumb instead to starvation and the sun, never knowing even the tiniest expanse of the wide undulating sea.

(The sun is a metaphor for time.)

Bring on the terrible teens

And here we are.

We managed to survive the non-apocalypse and must face yet another tortured year on this botched science experiment. And what's more: that thing they wrote about in Popular Science ("The Future") is no longer a distant prospect like the barely perceptible whistle of a train; it surrounds us like rising floodwater, dampening our strides and threatening to void the air in our lungs. The train is in the station, and it's going to murder us all.

Clearly the wet and salty coast has permeated my bones and my brains. I am so close to the Pacific but ironically anything but clear. I am like a stranded man bobbing in a lifeboat holding a megaphone, watching the rippling waves and wondering precisely how long until I am rescued.

My resolution for next year is fairly simple. I have stolen it wholesale from the mouth of Alexandra Stoddard:

Slow
Down
Calm
Down
Don't
Worry
Don't
Hurry
Trust The
Process

I will pretend this weblog has relevance and I will write. I will pretend that I am cared for by people and I will take care myself. I will pretend that this ominous Future will succeed in forcing our mouths to the sky and gurgling us all into non-existence; and that I might as well have another cocktail. I will write, I will care, and I will pretend, though probably not in that order.

I will also try to eat less bread and dairy. That stuff will kill you.

How to compose yourself after a sexual assault

1. Take a deep breath and hold it in for ten seconds.
2. Find a tub of chocolate ice cream.
3. Take a shower with your clothes on.

Vitamin Water

What is this stuff? I don't quite get it. I picked up a bottle today for the first time and all it says on it is:

c'mon is that a purse...or a suitcase? let's what you're squeezing in there. looky here, a gift card (with 89c left), three different hand creams (melon, cucumber, cucumber-melon), lip balm, lipstick, and lip gloss, oh and what's this? well your bags have inspired us. we squeezed a bunch of good stuff into this bottle -- it's got 11 key nutrients from vitamin a to zinc. just remember to save room for it in your purse. or "man-bag" (we're not judging).

What the fuck? "Looky here?" I don't ever recall being sassed by H2O before. What did I do? For the record, I wasn't even carrying a "man-bag" when I purchased this, but I should not have to defend myself against this onslaught.

I don't even know what this stuff is. Do they just smash a Centrum into a bottle of Gatorade? Bravo.  I don't see how that entitles these clowns to any level of snark. I can't believe I shelled out two bucks to be shit on by a bottle of liquid nutrients.

And yes, dudes carry purses. Where have you been for the past fourteen years? Are we to expect jokes about "lattes" and "Monica Lewinsky" next? I'm so glad that this under-capitalized attempt at observational humor  inspired you to cram "a bunch of good stuff into this bottle?" Here's a suggestion: why don't you cram this bottle (and those 11 key nutrients) up your asshole, Vitamin Water. I won't judge.

But I'm thirsty now

Sometimes I wonder: will there be enough bottled water for future generations? (And what about limes? Some of our children's children wouldn't mind a slice for flavour.) As I sit here sipping a glass of Toronto's finest I can't help but ask: is anyone doing anything to make sure our descendants will be adequately hydrated?

You'd better believe it.

Water Tomorrow

Since I became involved with Water Tomorrow, I have been dedicated to promoting the sustainability of drinking for future generations. Top scientists predict that given the rapid rise in world temperatures and population, in 30 years it will be 1.5 times more difficult to drink just 50% the amount of water we consume today. This could mean a difficult future for the parched global citizen.

Water, Water, Everywhere?

It might be hard to see the significance of this problem. "I just got twenty-four bottles of Dasani from the local Sobeys," some people might say. "We have plenty of water, right?" Wrong. Each year every person on the planet consumes more than 60 L of water. And that's only five cases of Dasani. And on the planet there's more than a billion people. If you do the math, it's as clear as the water we drink: things are going to get thirsty and soon.

The effect of this shortage doesn't just affect water drinkers either. Imagine a glass of the favourite childhood staple, Kool-Aid, without water. Or trying to mix frozen orange juice from concentrate without water. The effect on the drinking world of water shortage cannot be understated. Do you enjoy your scotch with a little water? Or use water to help swallow important life-saving medications? Keep reading.

How Can I Help? I Want to Help Now!

Water Tomorrow has spearheaded a number of initiatives to ensure the future is not thirsty. Here are just some of things you can do at home to help our cause:

• People need containers to drink out of: stock up on tumblers, mugs, and stemware
  
• Every day fill one 2 L container with water and store in your basement or cellar for future use
• Collect rainwater and bathe in it
• Make some ice cubes, in case someone likes their water with a bit of ice; I know I do
• Add 10% less water when preparing foods or beverages, to conserve for the future
• Do not spit or ejaculate except for the purposes of procreation
• Water houseplants with a 50/50 mix of water and urine
• Prepare frozen pre-cut limes and lemons to add to beverages at a moment's notice
• Boil pasta in hydrogen peroxide
  

Is There Any Hope for the Future? Any Hope at All?

It is easy to despair at this mounting problem, but not all hope is lost. Today, dozens of volunteers are working with Water Tomorrow to ensure that there will be plenty of bottled water, ice, limes and cups for the drinkers of tomorrow. Water is such an important drink (if not the most important) that we need everyone's help to make sure the future is a well-hydrated place.