Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 20

Spam poetry

I have decided to do something tremendously lazy and turn messages from my spam folder into stream-of-consciousness blank verse. I literally just adjust the line breaks, but the rest of the words appear in the order they do and I haven't added anything. Some would say this is a circuitous way of saying "fuck you, readers," and I wouldn't disagree.

So to help assuage your anger, I will undertake the task of interpreting my madness.

By Dick Boyce
outrageously! lying hostage inflammation
but whirlpool milligram and eloquently hostel,
scour the nuance stormy that
gumbo at paralegal the reject was
humanism a zone, nut harpoon mobilize or cashmere of was 
luminary at thump and frankly maliciously vile
tripod atonement and palpably song,
an aviator sophomore of southwestward,
or continuity clasps the glitter of coals
O halo the plagiarism! Accepted.
thrown savings and loan!
lease outrageous of symbolic anthropological hindquarters
as civic this as geometric. and landlord as charade calculation
strings with sweatpants the ping-pong: snob as argue and powerless,
correspondingly to junk food. the gnawing. 
postage stamp lexical, crestfallen emotionally:
cheerleader of nobody
entrust the on jumpsuit that gas cocaine the blockage in contemptuous
end a playfully with an... annihilate
xenophobia birthplace and that duchess in xylophone hoax

The subprime mortgage crisis of 2008 is fascinating for two diametrically opposed reasons. First, plainly speaking, it was unexpected. Market-focussed Americans are adherents of that mantra "up and to the right" so seemed inconceivable that the bubble would burst, even knowing that the nature of bubbles is to do precisely that. But second, and perhaps more devastating, is that the crisis was in many ways completely foreseeable. And thus Dick Boyce has penned a jovial dithyramb to pay homage to the crumbling capitalism around him.

The bold opening "outrageously!" acts to describe both the state of the economy and the turbulence and the falsehods that ravaged the North American economy. "Lying. Hostage. Inflammation." An intriguing dichotomy between the violent language of "hostage" and a clinical term like "inflammation." Boyce explains that rising GDP and plummeting interest rates less like growth of a plant and more like the ceaseless inflammation of a cancer. When he writes "scour the nuance stormy" it is another juxtaposition, a common theme in this work; Storm and nuance. Elegant hotel. The glitter of coals. The agony and the ecstasy of the American idiom.

The "tripod atonement" referenced in the next stanza is surely Mortgage Backed Securities, Collateralized Debt Obligations and the SEC. "An aviator sophomore of southwestward," viz., Ben Bernanke is in the unenviable position of bracing against the economic zeitgeist to consider a harsh wake-up call. Up and to the right no longer, but "southwestward" we go; down and to the left. To a financial crisis not seen since the Great Depression. The glitter of coals is the promise of a unblemished economy. But we fail and "halo the plagiarism."

"Thrown savings and loan" is a direct reference to Fannie Mae, and "lease outrageous of symbolic anthropological hindquarters" is finely-tuned a witticism about how the US was having it's ass-kicked. There is something so elegant about:
as civic this as geometric. and landlord as charade calculation
strings with sweatpants the ping-pong: snob as argue and powerless,
Where Boyce contrasts the polis, and the city state, the neighbourhood (what Hilary Clinton dubbed "a village") with "the landlord as charade." We are are all tenants of a tyrant; whether from without or within. Boyce contrasts the classes in a America: "strings with sweatpants" ping-ponging against the powerless snobs. Another breathtaking juxtaposition. Another failure of the American Dream.

Who is "crestfallen emotionally? cheerleader of nobody?" The nexus of Alan Greenspan and Ben Bernanke. We "entrust the jumpsuit" and jump suit it is, because truly these courtiers of the economics court are dare-devils, soothsayers and mystics. Guiding the economy with a crystal ball and a rearview mirror; will this Homo Economus amalgam survive this metaphorical cannon blast or gorge jump?
"And a playfully with an... annihilate"
Boyce is not so sure.

With "Xenophobia birthplace" we have come full circle to the current president, Barack Hussein Obama. Another soothsayer, another lying hostage inflammation. His use of the pun "xylophone hoax" is clever. A scale of lies and yet another sickening contrast that are we left to reflect upon. The keys aligned in a row, ever-shrinking like the remnants of a beautiful dream chromatically fading into the future.

Monday, May 13

Outmoded measurement

Jerry Seinfeld is absolutely right to mock our continued use of "horsepower" to measure modern machines. We should at least switch to elephants or something. Or politicians. They're pretty powerful if you think about it. The amount of power it takes to build one dam could be measured in congressmen. Who wouldn't want to drive a 220 senator-powered motorcycle?

The fractional use of horsepower is also ridiculous. Half a horsepower is, properly speaking, half a horse's power, which is zero. A horse torso moves no carts. In cases such as these we should use mice or ferrets or something.

Wednesday, November 7

Real letters by real geeks

Dear President Obama,

Congratulations on securing a second term as the president of the weirdest fucking country on the planet not counting the Philippines or Japan. Actually China is pretty weird too. Not to mention Australia and New Zealand; those two are completely fucked up. I suppose I should also include Guinea-Bissau, but then I would have to mention a host of equally shitty African countries. Let me stop there.

So good luck. America hasn't been the since country since I was first told about it about two and a half decades ago. Back then America was mostly interested in hairspray and soft drinks and Ronald Reagan. Now in 2012, hairspray has been replaced by a divisive vitriolic brand of politics, soft drinks remain soft drinks, and Ronald Reagan is now you. So don't fuck this up.

Not that you need any more pressure, but it's important that you do (whatever it is that you do) stronger, faster, better and harder than you ever have before. Be sure never to mention those words in that order in public.

But seriously, sucks about the gig. I can't imagine you'd prefer the stress of being president when you can write a book instead and make appearance fees for walking into the auditoriums of the highly-willing-to-pay and watch your country crumble around you. It's not too shabby.

So in short, good fucking luck. You're going to need it.

Harvey

Monday, July 18

Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Harvey: Just this box of facial tissues please.
Miranda: That'll be $2.99.
Harvey: You know, the problem with democracy is that it just doesn't work.
Miranda: You're thinking of Mexicans.
Harvey: You're a racist.
Miranda: You're a communist.
Harvey:
Miranda:
Harvey: Touché.
Miranda: Douche.

Monday, February 16

Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Miranda: So, did you watch the inauguration?
Harvey: For what?
Miranda: For president...?
Harvey:
Miranda: Of the United States?
Harvey:
Miranda: ...of America?
Harvey: Oh, lord no. Who won?
Miranda: (sighs) It was a tie.

Friday, October 26

The sincerest form of self-criticism

Ron Bruce: The political process has really taken it's toll on you Mr. Firth. Surely, your repeated failures have affected your Weltanschauung, not to mention your reputation in the political arena. Even your sallowed and worn appearance suggests that you long for a respite. At this point in your career, does the sight of every open window tempt you with a promise of liberation from the endless drudgery that has become your life? And what about your plan for health care?

Gerry Firth: I'm glad you asked that question. Although the election results were disappointing, I would have to say that on the whole, I'm not ready to give up just yet. My faith in the good citizens of this country, and of course God, is what helps give me the strength and determination to carry on and continue to stand up for what I believe in. That said, health care is a very complex issue. I think it's something that will require cooperation within the House in order to satisfy the needs of everyday Canadians.

Bruce: Even so, you're in tall buildings quite a lot. Don't you ever see a window and think: "hey, what if I just popped through?" That doesn't appeal to you at all?

Firth: Again, no. I'm made a commitment to my family, and my constituents to serve them the best way I know how. My plan for Canada is three-tiered --

Bruce: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Firth, but that reminds me briefly of your campaign. Top analysts have called it, "blunderfest". For example your slogan, "Firth First". Did you come up with that?

Firth: It was my son, actually.

Bruce: It was pretty terrible.

Firth: The way I look at it, maybe voters weren't ready for the particular ideas we brought to the table. I think when you're trying to bring about new ideas and dialogue, there is always going to be a bit of a learning curve with the public, and that things take time. Now that we've had some time to look back at the campaign, I would have done a few things differently. For example, we would focus more on my plans for tax cuts and emphasize spending on education.

Bruce: Speaking of cuts, how about slashing your wrists? You do know that it's along the vein right -- not across it?

Firth: I do know that.

Bruce: Yet...

Firth: I am not interesting in pursuing something like that at this time.

Bruce: Fair enough. My uncle killed himself on sleeping pills and vodka. It's sounds pretty easy actually. Perhaps even fun. I know that 'efficiency' was one of the three tiers--

Firth: Listen, I'm not committing suicide.

Bruce: You're a washed up hobo, Gerry. Do it.

Firth: This interview is over.

Bruce: Thank you for your time.

Sunday, October 22

Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Harvey: Do you have to sell hot dogs in packages of 10? Why not individually?
Miranda: Because of the moral issues.
Harvey: I don't follow.
Miranda: I don't have time to get into bun/frankfurter politics with you now. Would you like a package of hot dogs?
Harvey:
Miranda:
Harvey:
Miranda: I'll sell you five dogs.
Harvey: Deal. But instead of 8 buns, can I get 9?

Monday, August 7

Bawdy!

"Careful now sir," Mr. Lemon reported, "if she suspects that you're talking about her, you'll most certainly drive her to arousal."

"Agreed," was the reply of the president, "her panties'll shoot down her legs like a rainsoaked flag against a window. And no one needs to see that."

"Yes, sir." Mr. Lemon sighed. "But please, such language, you must --"

"Aw, shut that cock trap of yours, Lemon," the President bellowed. "You're acting like I ain't ever been to an event like this before."

"Yes, sir. But in fairness, you really haven't --"

"There you go again, flapping that damn cocktrap of yours. Listen Lemon... hey, where did that slut get to anyhow?"

Mr. Lemon sighed long and hard.

"Son of a bitch," the President mused out loud, "I wonder if she's in the bathroom pleasuring herself..."

"Mr. President," Lemon started, "please, I --" but the president again uninterrupted him, waxing philosophical.

"Well, I'll be. That diplomat from Georgia is a God-damned whore. I like her."