So this brings up a few questions. For starters: what came first? The 'stache or the pederasty? Is a cookie-duster something you grow after you develop a fondness for virgin boy-arseholes, or the other way around?
In the few organizations in which pedophiles convene (NAMBLA, PIE, the Catholic church, et. al) shitty facial hair is not a prerequisite for entry. As far as I know. I mean, it would be counterproductive for a group that (presumably) wants to keep its intentions clandestine. And why would a sexual attraction to young'uns suggest the need for (poorly formed) facial hair? Logically or aesthetically it doesn't seem to make sense.
But the opposite explanation, that having a spotty mustachio causes pedophila, seems preposterous. Even controversial. But as the great Sherlock Holmes wisely noted, "when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." Could moustaches cause pedophilia? Let's ask science.
My experiment therefore, was to see how the cultivation of a poorly formed 'tache affects sexual feelings toward adolescents.
Now, I would have used myself as a test subject, but my natural virility allows me to grow a hearty non-pedo crumb catcher in minutes. For this experiment, I needed someone with lacklustre pituitary inclinations. Someone whose facial hair growth levels plateau at "fourteen year old Filipino kid". I called my friend Darryl.
The experiment:
Hypothesis: growing a poor moustache causes detectable pedophilia in males.
Method:
Have subjects grow moustache for period of 30 days. Measure daily emotional response to pictures of adolescent males cut out of the following magazines:
- Teen beat
- Tiger mag
- BOP
- J-14
- Teen People
A control group will also review the same pictures sans soup-strainer. After 30 days the results will be compiled, graphed and examined.
I enlisted my friends Steve and Jim to also participate in the experiment as they also have less-than-stellar push brooms. They understood the nature and aim of the experiment immediately. Darryl on the other hand:
Darryl: Why are you trying to get me to jerk off to teenage boys?
Harvey: Christ, no! How many times-- damnit, listen. First, I want you to grow a moustache.
Darryl: OK.
Harvey: Then, while you grow that moustache, I am going to give you some pictures from various teen mags, right?
Darryl: Uh, OK.
Harvey: Then I want you to tell me, how attractive you think the boys are on a scale from one to one hundred.
Darryl: OK, but I'm not a pedophile.
Harvey: I know, this is an experiment. Just follow along. And be honest with your results.
Darryl: But this is kind of gay.
In fairness Darryl was right, but he relented. I asked another chap, Abraham to act as the control group; he reviewed the mags moustache free. For 30 days I kept a tally. The results?
Results:
The results are odd. Actually, they were kind of fucked up. Statistically speaking: Abraham, Jim and Steve's responses were non-significant. They hovered around the 50 percent mark for the duration of the experiment indicating both indifference to the images they were shown, and no effect of moustaches growth on their responses.
Darryl's results however, were fascinating. Not only were his initial assessments of the teen boys significantly higher (around 80 percent) his preference for teen males actually went down over the 30 day period.
It went down?
This certainly blew my hypothesis out of the water, but I was now interested in this strange effect on Darryl. Our discussion went as follows:
Harvey: So the results are in.
Darryl: Cool, did I pass?
Harvey: Darryl, this wasn't a test. I just wanted to see what effect growing a moustache would have on your preference for little boys.
Darryl: I told you, I'm not a pedophile. Growing a moustache is not going to make me gay.
Harvey: I know. The results indicate quite the opposite actually.
Darryl: See?
Harvey: Yeah, but you seemed to rate the pictures quite highly early in the experiment.
Darryl: So?
Harvey: Well, it suggests that the moustache was actually having a negative effect on your preference for boys.
Darryl: I don't have a preference for boys.
Harvey: Well, you were rating them pretty highly at the outset. And the drop off was pretty steady.
Darryl: Well, you kept showing me the same magazines.
Harvey:
Darryl:
Harvey: So you would have preferred more variety?
Darryl: Kind of. And probably more pictures of Zac Efron.
Harvey: Look, I gotta go.
