A solid green hardcover notebook

Harvey Kornbluth was born on 14 January 1982, in Toronto, Ontario. This makes him Canadian, and though there is technically nothing wrong with this, he is compelled to apologise for the fact anyway. For the convenience of his parents and the medical staff involved with his birth, Harvey agreed to be born shortly before lunch, at 11:37am. On the day he was born, corn dogs were being served in the hospital cafeteria, but unfortunately they were out of mustard. Somehow, Harvey was forever affected by this error of omission.

His parents, Darryl and Celica Kornbluth, were both killed in a car accident while driving back from synagogue. Though Harvey would never know this, his parents were arguing about the merits of moisturized facial tissue, when, distracted, his father plunged the car into a river. As such, Harvey was raised by his homosexual uncle and his half-Asian lover. They taught him about musicals, Abba and oxycontin addiction.

Harvey was a peculiar child. He was prone to carrying around blank index cards and a copy of the Koran. His favourite cereal was Froot Loops which he ate with too much milk. He always carried an umbrella, even on the hottest summer days. He looked at the stars at night and considered their role in his life in a non-philosophical way. He asked a lot of pointed questions to his peers ("Would you murder a parent to save Santa, and which one?"), and wrote scathing letters to authority figures. In one such missive he wrote:

Mr. Coley,

If it is in fact the case that we are not meant to eat the Play-doh, then I beseech you to explain why it is so delicious. Your humble servant,

Harvey Kornbluth

His adolescence was marked by casual smoking, cold showers and suicide notes placed in public spaces. His threat to self-immolate — which was painted on to the rear of a portable classroom in purple tee-shirt puff paint — was unproven. Nevertheless, it prompted his teachers and caregivers to enroll Harvey in a school for the mentally deranged.

At the institute, Harvey consumed Greek yogurt and learned to ride the unicycle and wrote stream-of-consciousness poetry about the other inmates. In his time, he made only one friend: a tall and charismatic redhead named Miranda, who would shower with her clothes on, and pass Harvey notes at lunch, and scream herself to sleep every single night. Miranda was cured after she smashed a watermelon into pieces with a foam-bat (anger expulsion therapy), and she left the institute. Harvey was alone and depressed.

He worked through his troubled feelings in a solid green hardcover notebook and came to the inescapable conclusion that the world and all the things in it were projections of his mind. Content that this was the only piece of knowledge he could wholeheartedly deem true, Harvey felt a vague sense of responsibility for the figments of his imagination and thirsted no longer — or at least a little bit less — for his own self-initiated demise.

Satisfied with Harvey's new-found (albeit disturbingly flawed) belief in the value of living, the institute released him. It was spring and he was an adult. The first thing Harvey did was find a prostitute and pay her for sex. The second was to procure an umbrella.

Many years later he started this blog, and shares with you those those dark corners of his notebook: the musings of a solipsistic inmate.

A promising challenge

A container of yogurt recently invited me to take part in an interesting human v. dairy duel:

Enjoy Activia® every day for 14 days and feel the difference to your digestive system. If you’re not satisfied, we’ll refund your money.

That's it? That's not much of a "challenge." Eat yogurt every day? I think I can handle that, boys. That said, I'm not sure about this "feel the difference to your digestive system" whizz-bang. My digestive system is pretty resistant to dramatic change. My colon votes conservative. What kind of differences are we talking? Will it take me 15 minutes to digest a steak? Will my stool be tricoloured?

Besides, who notices positive changes to their digestive process? Negative changes, sure. But do they mean merely that if I make it through the 14 days without undergoing violent diarrhea I won the challenge? Or did I lose?

I consulted the FAQ:

Consuming Activia® for 14 days can help you reduce intestinal transit time as well as help you regulate your digestive system naturally.

That sounds great. How much of this shit can I eat?

Scientific studies have demonstrated Activia®’s benefits with just a single serving per day. But the same studies have also shown a direct relationship between the quantity consumed and the results achieved: effectiveness was even greater when consumption reached up to three servings per day.

Fuck it, why not eat a case per day? But er, what happens after the 14 days are up? Can I take another challenge or how does that work? Am I allowed to still eat your potent broth of bacteria?

Of course! It’s even recommended that you maintain your daily consumption, since the benefits associated with Activia® cease when consumption is halted. Make Activia® a delicious part of your diet every day!

What about these assholes I live with? Can they get into this yogurt or will they die? I'm kind of hesitant to share it with them since they didn't do any of the paperwork for the "challenge."

Absolutely! Activia® yogurt is ideal for the whole family. It’s nutritious and a source of calcium that can be a part of a healthy, balanced diet for children that already consume dairy products—each and every day!

Enough of this dogshit. I doubt any of these questions were asked even once, let alone "frequently." Because it was late, I kept digging and found this:

OFFICIAL RULES FOR THE ACTIVIA® PROMISE (Formerly known as the ACTIVIA® CHALLENGE)

What the fuck? So it's no longer a challenge (which I concur, is bullshit) but a promise? As in you promise my innards are going to feel fantastic after two weeks of eating yogurt?

WHAT IS THE ACTIVIA PROMISE?
Only delicious Activia has the exclusive culture Bifidus Regularis® and helps regulate your digestive system. We PROMISE that you will love how you feel or get your money back.

Oh, I get it. To make good on the promise you have to send them a note that states that you "hate how you feel," and only freaks that wear leather and avoid the sun can write that shit without irony or self-deceit. And we all know those goths hate dairy. Well played, Danone.

Drink more milk

Those dairy clowns are at it again.  Never satisfied with our level of milk intake, the Dairy Farmers of Ontario have put together a helpful list of ways to jack-up the amount of dairy you're consuming.  For example:

Add two containers of yogurt to your lunch box: one for your snack and the other for your lunch.

One yogurt isn't enough for these people.  Have two.  We're already eating yogurt.  They're just politely asking us to double our intake.

Insert a wooden stir stick in individual containers of fresh cheese and freeze them to make delicious frozen snacks.

I'll get right on that. I'm sure these homemade cheese popsicles are as delicious as they sound.  Why can't I just eat the cheese as is?  Who does this?

Opt for a yogurt drink to quench your thirst.

Nothing quenches your thirst like the viscous glug of a Yogurt drink.  That's why we see so many athletes chugging yogurt after the big game.  So refreshing.

Stir in a bit of skim milk powder to your cooking and baking. An excellent way to add calcium to all your dishes!

Oh, is that all? Just keep some powdered milk handy and add it to everything I fucking make.  Thanks for keeping it specific and limiting your reach to my "cooking and baking."  I guess I won't stir it into my orange juice or jell-o shooters.

You know, I think I might go for a run and then pound a couple of Yops.  Then I'll go down on a container of Sour Cream. You'd like that Big Milk, wouldn't you?  You sick fucks.