- Man Miraculously Recovers from Severe Stroke
- Woman's Life Saved in Life Threatening Car Accident
- Sick Woman's Cancer Disappears Without A Trace
That is to say, a shitty event turns out to be less shitty than at first we thought. This is the stuff of miracles? It suggests to me that God — as the causer of the shitty event — is either indecisive or incompetent. Was he really trying to wreck that dude with a severe stroke? Then get 'er done, you homo. Was that car accident meant to be life-threatening? Did God change his mind at the last minute? Does he really have to resort to property destruction? Why give someone cancer just to take it away? That's the very definition of a Dick Move.
Of course, I don't expect an answer to these queries. What I want is beefier miracles. Some David Copperfield level shit. Jesus was popular because he raised from the dead, transmogrified water into booze, and defeated surface tension. That kind of jazz sells tickets. Modern miracles are so hackneyed and commonplace they're barely Interesting Happenstances let alone miracles. (If you have ever uttered the phrase "the miracle of childbirth" you deserve to perish in a housefire. Shame on you.)
I guess what I'm saying to the major religions is: call up David Blaine and get some shit going. Now. You can only reach Criss Angel? Whatever, it's better than nothing.
