How to compose yourself after a sexual assault

1. Take a deep breath and hold it in for ten seconds.
2. Find a tub of chocolate ice cream.
3. Take a shower with your clothes on.

Religion reform #17

The Book of the Toucan describes well the Toucan's message of everlasting hope and peace.  And while it is sufficiently detailed, it's also kind of (totally) messed up.  Take for example, this passage:

For when the Toucan, blessed be his beak of many colours, created the Heavens and the Earth he showered the world in the warm dew of his everlasting breath.  Believers commune and share in the glory of all creation!  Engage ye in the ritual known as the Shower of Gold: 

Enter your bathing facility and disrobe completely.  Securely close off the entrance and seal off the edges with clay or mud or duct tape.  Let no light disturb this chamber.  You must create a shell of complete darkness, like the formless void of the unblessed universe.  Turn off all lanterns, and let no light enter the bath. 

Then, steady a flow of hot water and let your bath fill with hot steam.

Then, spark a medium-sized joint.   

Having inhaled no less than three sturdy puffs of the Toucan's smoke, enter the shower chamber.  The water shall be as hot as a body can muster.  Be seated under the deluge and in the thick darkness see with open eyes the formless void; listen with both ears to the awesome crash of the Toucan's breath. 

Sit for no less than one half hour in the cascade.  To the pious and noble in spirit will be revealed the sound and sight of the true beginning. You must concentrate.  Banish from mind all voices, all memory, all thoughts completely.  Experience nothing but the heat and the line of holy water tumbling from the sky on to your body. 

Recite: "Hallowed Bird, blessed be your beak of many colours, may you with glory dispread your breath into our breasts and blanket us with your Shower of Gold!"

That's where I quit reading.  The golden shower part was a little off-putting.

But for the record, I have tried this. (Less the chanting.)  And it's fucking awesome.