Goblet rant

I hate wine glasses. I've broken three this week -- three! -- with no wrongdoing on my part. Seriously, save it, it's not my fault. It's just that these things are way too delicate for the kitchens of the twenty-first century. Or my kitchen anyway. Look at their precious stems. I touched one with my elbow and it exploded into a thousand pieces like a rolling propane truck. I mean, seriously? Do they have to be this fragile? Another one cracked because it fell over in the kitchen sink. A basic topple, nothing more. If a vessel can't handle a simple ninety degree transformation then fuck it. I'm hitting straight from the bottle.

And while we're on the subject. I hate tumblers. (I also hate the word "tumbler." And I especially hate the word "tumblr.") What is a tumbler? Is this a glass that tumbles? Am I meant to roll it like a bowling ball haphazardly at my guests? It's stupid. Drinkware that are glass, are glasses. (I'm confident context will prevent confusion with the synonymous eyewear.) Drinkware that are plastic: go fuck yourself. I'll just drink out of my cupped palm, thanks. I can't even bear to say "tumbler"; the association with frosted (or non) plastic novelty cups from McDonald's is too strong.

Apparently in Britain the equivalent term is "beaker". I'll deal with that another time.

Drinking out of fishbowls is stupid. I drank one and one half Long island Tced Teas via fishbowl and got drunker than a Kennedy. The results were questionable. I told a girl I had just met that she looked "all right for a heavy chick", and that wasn't even true. (In downtown Hamilton, no less.) It was good times though. I suppose fishbowls aren't that bad.

I would also like to hate snifters, flutes, coupes and highballs. If a drink can't be appreciated in a pint glass, then I don't want any. (Stella Artois is a noteworthy exception to this.)

And don't even get me started on martini glasses. The glassware equivalent to high-heeled shoes. Those damn things drive me to drink.

Cheers!