Wondering

On behalf of a friend:

Dear Harvey, 

Clearly, I shouldn't be thinking about you. Those two weeks were fleeting and brief, not really heartbreak material. But still. I feel broken and I can't figure out why. But last weekend, I think I started to figure it out. I was writing a letter (to you if you must know) and I remembered you left me hanging. You never responded to my last letter, and because of that I can't help wondering if you're out there. Did you get my last message? And are you OK? 

I have embarrassing thoughts, but seeing as I'm being honest, I'll just dump: I wonder if you think about me,and if you regret dumping me. I also wonder, kind of hopefully, that you were just dumping me as a prëemptive strike: to hurt me before I hurt you. I think about you absently writing my name on a scrap of paper. Even accidentally. I think about you in my apartment, tripping over my cat, and sneezing furiously from your allergies. I don't know why I think these things. It was for so short, and I have dated since then, but... I can't get you out of my mind. 

But maybe I'm just being crazy.  That's what happens when you're left hanging. When you ask a question into thin air. When I know you're behind your computer and getting my e-mails. "Left hanging" isn't even the right way to say it: it's like having your spleen ripped out and not sewing up the hole. OK yes, I'm being dramatic. But if feels like that. It feels like there is a hole in my chest, and my skin is frayed and raw and burning.  

I keep returning to my last letter to you. Wondering if I said something wrong. What did I say to push you away? I wonder. 

Maybe you haven't returned my mail because you are a ghost -- dead in the ground.  I know that's morbid, and it makes me really sad to think about it.  But then I think,  we're friends.  You're the same guy who delivered my cat to me after finding it in the snow. You bought me a whole tin of the hot chocolate I like.  When I told you I thought my chin was ugly, you held it between your fingers and said, "we can fix that."  You're an asshole, but you always made me laugh. You couldn't just vanish without saying goodbye. You wouldn't do that, right? And that's why I can't help but wonder...

Yours always,
Harvey