Kvetching about Subway restaurants

Minor points:

1. When I am at Subway restaurant purchasing just cookies (yes, just cookies) and when I go to pay with my debit card, a cashier invariably challenges me. "Don't you have any cash?" I just sigh and stare at the cashier for about forty seconds to a minute. On one occasion, he got all uncomfortable and just mumbled, "that's OK, you can use debit," but I continued to stare.  And then for no reason whatsoever I whispered, "this was my mother's debit card." I'm not sure what point I was trying to make.
2. This one time they ran out of bread. This happens to me all the time. Why don't you have bread, Subway restaurants? Is it because you've stretched yourself thin with eight different varieties? Whole wheat and white is sufficient for your mouth-breathing customers, but you had to be fancy.  Parmesan oregano.  Honey oat. You have hearty italian and italian (white)?  What the fuck is the difference? There's that one that looks like it's crusted with guano. You don't impress me with your litany of breads. You want to impress me? Stock bread. Last time I went to Subway, all they had was the ungodly square of carbohydrates they use to produce wraps.  I had never seen it before, but it resembled a chamois. I just got cookies, paid with debit, and left.
3. And while we're at it, I thought you were tesselating the cheese slices now?  Because last time I was there I had to remind the guy. It was lame. This isn't something to be sneezed at, Subway Artists.  The cheese must interlock nicely.
4. Stop saying "lettuce, tomato?" and plunging your over-eager fingers into those toppings when you are ready to dress my sub. I don't want either.  That's right ass-fuck, I don't want lettuce on my sub.  Think that's a little strange? Don't dig my lifestyle?  Fuck you, hater.  Just green peppers, onions, olives, sweet onion sauce and salt thanks. A bit more sweet onion sauce. That's great.
5. As far as I understand the difference between "to go" and "for here" amounts to sliding your sandwich into a plastic bag. So, why not ask that?  Sometimes I want a bag, even though I'm staying and sometimes I will leave and not need a bag. Either way, I just don't want to have to decide right then what the fuck I am going to do. Maybe I'll stay, maybe I'll go. Fuck you Subway restaurants.
6. What the hell is so southwest about your southwest sauce?  This sure as Hell doesn't taste like Arizona.
7. Please slow down when you're making my sandwich.  Make it with care, and grace and felicity. Any mongoloid can fist ingredients into a sandwich in the same manner you might clean an eavestrough.  I expect more from someone wearing a green golf shirt and disposable gloves. And by more I don't mean "expertise," I simply mean, "barely below competence." Can you manage that?
8. Hey, did you just cut my sandwich with that knife that's well-laden with mayonnaise, mustard and other disgusting miscellaneous wonder sauces that I didn' want, thereby leaving a disgustting wall of sauces for me to endure on my first bite? Make it again, you clods.
9. Subway, your macadamia white chocolate chip cookies are so good, I swear you could support your enterprise on this one product alone.  With that in mind, would you mind eliminating the soups?  Who gives a shit about Subway's soups? No one.
10. Also, It's time to retire your grilled chicken deal.  That square of "meat" is nasty.  Everyone's in on it now, and the secret is out: that shit is not meat, and is barely food.  Stick to cold cuts. It's a sandwich place.  No one will call you on it.
11. I also love how a sandwich isn't a meal, but a sandwich with a beverage and bag of fucking potato chips is a meal. No where else would this logic be acceptable. Foot long sandwich? Just a snack. Whip out a bag of Sunchips and an orange juice?  Bam, dinner is ruined.
12. Why did you change the name of the meatball sub to "meatball marinara?"  What is gained?  Were people confused before?  I knew there was a sauce involved.  Everyone knows there's sauce involved.  Now there is more to say. That's stupid, Subway restaurants, and you are stupid for changing the name.
13. True story: I walked into a Subway restaurant and asked an employee what BMT stood for.  And he calmly replied: "nothing.  It's just a name." As if those were just three letters that sprung to mind when making the sandwich. Word to the wise, Subway restaurants let your employees know that it actually stands for something. This guy was insane. It's like I asked him what's in the cold cut trio and he said, "oh nothing. It's just a name. There is no meat or bread or toppings. You're buying the concept of a sandwich.  Did you want to make it a meal?" (BTW: it used to stand for Brooklyn Manhattan Transit, but now it stands for Biggest, Meatiest, Tastiest. Not sure which explanation I hate more.)
14. The veggie sub, while a necessary addition to a menu to accomodate weak vegans and lame people, is nothing short of pathetic and condescending.  "Veggie delight?" As though to say: try a sandwich with nothing but toppings.  You will be delighted!  That said, the veggie patty looks totally disgusting so I'm not sure which is worse.  I'll take being patronized over being fed factory-moulded roughage.
15. God, the pizza sub is so good.  I have absolutely no complaints. Never, ever stop making this sandwich.