Recent research has described the hazards of third-hand smoke. Being that smoking is our second-favourite form of slow motion suicide (after popping crank (or ice, or tina, or shabu)) we have decided to provide for you, gentle reader, an ordinal catalogue of the degrees of danger of this decadent and deliciously enjoyable drug.
(We have also formed a commitment to the first person plural.)
The degrees of smoking:
1st hand smoke: breathing in smoke from a cigarette.
2nd hand smoke: passively inhaling vapours in a smoke filled environment.
3rd hand smoke: coming in contact with smoke residue in furniture and clothing
4th hand smoke: shaking the hand of a smoker
5th hand smoke: breathing in second hand smoke through a HEPA filter
6th hand smoke: eating a dish prepared by a smoker
7th hand smoke: eating a dish prepared by a former smoker
8th hand smoke: giving oral sex to a smoker
9th hand smoke: enjoying a hot tub or sauna session with a smoker
10th hand smoke: reciting poetry including the words "smoke", "cigarette", or "nicotine"
11th hand smoke: catching an unlit cigarette in your mouth
12th hand smoke: engaging in intercourse with a smoker
13th hand smoke: holding a pen in your mouth as if it were a cigarette
14th hand smoke: smoking a cigarette through a straw four miles long
15th hand smoke: having a dream where you are a smoker
16th hand smoke: eating tobacco flavoured ice cream
The list goes on really. Further down:
37th hand smoke: getting a handjob from someone who just quit smoking three months ago
And:
134th hand smoke: leaving a voicemail for a former second hand smoker
And obviously:
283rd hand smoke: licking the bottom of a bus shelter.
Tobacco-caused diseases of the heart and blood vessels kill more than 17 000 people a year in Canada
Number 283 would be lower down the list in the UK. We can't smoke in bus shelters here, not even non-enclosed ones. Licking them would only get you first hand tramp urine (which would be second hand drinking perhaps? That must be starting up about now).
ReplyDelete