Religion reform #22

Occasionally, one meets a religious person that isn't a nutcase. This is kind of annoying. My distaste for religion must be diluted somewhat when I encounter adherents that have no repellent opinions or values, which is obviously less fun.

Besides, for what other purpose des religion exist but to hold controversial/unprovable/batshit-crazy ideas that can't be justified without appeal to a deity or supernatural force? Most of us believe in the scientific notions of say, friction or gravity. I don't need to picket a soldier's funeral to get those points across. Actually, the sum of what I actually believe:

• that children are loud and stupid
• that one should not speak to another human being without having had a sip of caffeine
• that the sun will surely come up tomorrow

Are pervasive, non-controversial and dare-I-say-it, Solid Ideas, that are prima facie accepted by most reasonable persons. Well, I want to be unreasonable Goddammit. I want to hold some weird fucking beliefs, justifiable only by appeal to the Toucan. Namely:

• that there really hasn't been any quality music produced after 1973
• that there is no rational reason to care about the welfare of future generations, but we should anyway
• that anyone with a Klout score above 50 is wasting his days
• that marshmallows are a metaphor for the purposeless of life and we should eat them daily
• that teetotaling is just so stupid
• that if everyone were honest the world would function in an altogether more helpful way
• that you should be able to call into work and say "Listen, I'm not coming in. I'm hungover."
• that contests of public office should be decided by '80s trivia contests
• that vegans have missed the point completely
• that yes, being gay is sometimes gross, but who gives a shit
• that if you don't like Prince you should be exiled to lands remote
• that the singular purpose of human beings is to transcend ourselves and pretend (until it is true) that we are united, and subsequently turn our heads in concert to the sky and consider the darkness from which we all came. (Rather than say, which fucking type of hat our stupid clans should wear.)

If it's not the case that you think these things are self-explanatory then let me appeal to my creator, the Great Bird in the sky. For these are His words, and they are Good, and if I capitalize enough These Nouns, then surely a point has been made, and you should suffer eternally for your dissent. And also, it's not my fault I believe any of these things; I was raised this way.