How to parallel park from first principles

"So here's the premise. It's a set of instructions on how to parallel park your car that starts at the very beginning. And I don't just mean from the first moment you learn to drive, or the first time you see a car, or get hit by a car, or even learn what a car is. I'm talking before everything, even you. Prior to transportation, and feet, and limbs, skin, skin cells, any cells, molecules, and atoms and the vibrations that make up existence, matter and time. Before all that shit.

"The very beginning.

"But it was turning out be one Hell of a project. As we speak, my desk is covered with lined paper, and empty coffee cups, uncapped sharpies, a thesaurus, and a copy of Jack Welch's Winning (in case I feel low). The lined paper in turn, is covered with the ramblings of a lunatic, and specifically, a lunatic that has recently watched thirty-seven episodes of Nova. There are diagrams of the nascent universe as a small inky circles, with sharp frenetic lines bolts of lightning indicating energy flying in all directions. It's mostly circles and frenetic lines really. For a few billion years at least. The thing to understand is that in the early universe, there are few scientific laws governing the behaviour of anything, and they had only just been invented. So things were a bit confusing, and quite hot, and somewhat untidy.

"And under some other lined pages (under silver goblet holding a rusting apple core —don't ask), there's words like "dust cloud" and "coalesce" (spelled incorrectly a dozen times) and orphaned attempts to describe how, as the energy spreads out like a line of hot butter across an infinite expanse of cold black toast, simultaneously creating the space it enters, it slowly crumbles into tiny buzzing grains called matter -- but that wasn't much of a jumping off point and I got blocked.

"It doesn't matter though, because it's much worse trying to explain the emergence of crude laws which conducted the organization of the elementary particles into atoms, and molecules, which become complex, and form imperceptible droplets in the primordial steam of the new Earth. And how these fuse with other droplets, to produce more, each with primitive metabolic systems factoring in their survival. I can't wrap my head around it. It's just more circles and frenetic lines.

"The complex evolutionary journey from complex self-replicating molecules to single-celled life is longer than the journey from dinosaurs to side view mirrors and steering columns, so I won't bore you with the details. But anyway, a bit more of that, you put the car in reverse, yadda yadda yadda. I never finished it." I stopped.

"And it's a musical?" said Donnie, aghast.

"That's what I was thinking. Either that or "epic poem", but you know how I feel about Praepositio."