Memorandum

It has come to the attention of management that the quality and frequency of recent posts--specifically the last fifty or so--have left readers "unsatisfied" and "disenchanted."  Some of the responses I have been shown:

"His writing is stilted and ultimately unamusing."

"Boring. Stupid. Ugly. Miserable. These are the words I would to describe you."

"Harvey, I am going to hunt you down and slice your chest open with a straight razor. I want you to watch me squeeze your still-beating heart in my bare hands."

And so on and so on. Apparently, I have been spared some of the harsher criticisms as they could "hurt my feelings." I shudder to think.

My natural response is a yawn and a lackadaisical "fuck off"--though not necessarily in that order. Management, however, is wholly unsatisfied with my lack of a sense of urgency, and insists on "punchier" output.

What this means exactly, I don't know. Perhaps a subplot featuring twins? Retrograde amnesia? Let's hope we never find out.

At any rate, I want to take this moment to emphasize that your input is not appreciated, and you can go to Hell and die. Should your death be a miserable and painful one, that will not bother me in the slightest.

Take care,

Harvey