On buttsex

I am the only one not breathlessly chasing anal sex?

I mean, I get it. It's a different hole, it's exciting. But besides its sense of taboo and aura of risqué does the ass-hole provide any amenities not already offered by the tried and true alternative?

I don't think so. I can't say that I have much experience in the matter, because I only have sex when I'm on coke and rarely remember the details. I'm sure I wouldn't like it though. As pertains to elasticity, I find your average lover is tight enough -- unless you're fucking livestock. Maybe the appeal to men stems from a sense of ennui with their girl's face, but the simple and obvious solution to that is a pillowcase (or doggy style; sue me feminists).

I liken the entire situation to a waiter in a restaurant asking me:

"And before I get your drinks, I'll take a moment to explain our specials. We have two options in which to stick your phallus tonight.

"First, we have the snapper. Gently aromatic, our snatch-of-the-day is served perfectly warm, pink all the way through, and succulent. It's very moist. It's actually the most popular thing on the menu.

"And, if you'll just turn those menus over -- thank you -- you'll see our other option: a tight, shit-filled hole."

Am I living on another planet? Call me old-fashioned, but I would think the choice is pretty obvious in this scenario. But then, I don't eat out a lot. And I never order the specials. Well, sometimes. It depends really.

OK, so I'm terrible at analogies. (Slightly better with puns.)