Dialing while intoxicated

With all the energy and mental capacity Harvey could muster, he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and punched the keys with his fingers. He teetered awkwardly as he put the phone to his ear. Here's one side of an unsuccessful telephone call:

Harvey: Heyyyyyyyyyy, it's me.

Harvey: Er, Harvey.

Harvey: You know? Remember the awkward--?

Harvey: That right. So what's new?

Harvey: Shit, I didn't realize it was so late. I just got home actually. Man, I just had a monster--

Harvey: Actually... you're annoying. You know that?

Harvey: Whatever! You and yer karaoke. You're a stone cold bitch, sometimes.

OK, OK, hold on, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. And listen, you're totally not a lesbian even though all my friends think so, but I digress, I know you're not. It's cool. Totally cool. You know, you were pretty decent about things. Like my grow-op. I just don't --

Harvey: Whoa, easy. What are you talking about? Jiminy Cricket. I'm just trying to 'dialogue' here. I think you need to chill out sister-friend. I'm not out to 'get ya' or anything. Oh, and P.S. that one time I ran into you and your friends at the mall was like, a total coincidence.

Harvey: I mean, fine, like, whatever. If that's the way you feel.

Harvey: You can believe what you want. You can judge all you want; I'm not gonna be judgmental, you know? Besides, at least I'm not fucking Jamie Kerr. I mean whatthefuck. I heard --

Harvey: I guess, if you like douche-bags with glass eyes.

Harvey: Actually, yes in fact. He got 'em made in Switzerland. I can't believe that shit. Kerr's an idiot. Holy, are you retarded perhaps?

Harvey: You know, you got great fucking legs.

Harvey: Fine, look be that way. I think you're the one with the problem. I'm trying to be nice, you said I could call you anytime.

Harvey: Wait, hold up, let me finish: why don't we talk about it this weekend, you could just... come over if you want. We could hash it out. I'd make some nachos.

Harvey: I'm totally serious. Oh, and like, er, nothing would happen. You could just come over. I'd totally hit the couch. Not that you'd sleep over, I'm just --

Harvey: I had some mojitos at Rancho's, yes.

Harvey: Honestly, I'm gonna have to go ahead and say "go fuck yourself", that you'd suggest something like that. You must think I'm a complete asshole. Like... fine, if that's the sordid portrait you wanna paint, if you don't have any faith in people, and just--

Harvey: That's not even the point.

Harvey: That's complete unfair--

Harvey: OK, that's probably true.

Harvey: Hm. Still, that that's pretty fucking hot.

Harvey: OK, sorry, sorry, sorry. I get it. But still, you have to admit--

Harvey: All right, all right! Goodnight.

Harvey: Goddamnit.

And then he dropped the phone in his pocket like a quarter in a poor man's cup.