Reasons for committing suicide

Oh, hi. You're still here? I could have sworn you had already left. Serves me right for not delivering these to you sooner. Pay attention; these are some more-than-convincing reasons to get your butt in gear:

• Got pwned by a n00b
• Lost a sizable portion of your tortilla chip in the communal guacamole and people noticed
• Hummed Carly Rae Jeppsen, tapped foot
• Ordered and enjoyed the bland meal on an airplane
• Kicked ass but forgot to take names
• Watched trilogy in the wrong order
• You don't understand how life insurance works
• First contestant eliminated
• Purchased Alien Ant Farm CD
• You're adopted
• Married the least interesting of a pair of identical twins

Now get outta here you crazy schlub.