Reasons for committing suicide

I mean sure, Winter's almost over, but how can you be sure things will get better?  I would reconsider if any of the following happen to you:

• Choked on a piece of frosting
• Had posture corrected by a stranger in public
• Lost sight of the bigger picture
• Miswrapped anniversary present
• Overwhelmed by surge of curiosity, electricity
• Never felt the need to finish a book
• Was caught Facebook stalking unsavory characters
• Covered with flesh-eating bacteria
• Came in dead last

I hear tomorrow it's going to be minus twelve.