The logic of the lonely man

The logic of the desperate man is seldom sound. Let's review a typical case:

Vigor, a male in his 20s, is standing in his tiny bathroom with a towel wrapped around his hips. He has just nervously wiped a stripe of condensation from the bathroom mirror and is now admiring his handiwork.

While showering, Vigor used his mother's disposable razor to shave the shape of a "V" into the hair on his chest. Wiping the mirror again to clear the renewed fog, Vigor thinks: I hope this fucking works.

Now, there is a purpose to this seemingly random and unnecessary act, however contrived and demented it may seem. On behalf of Vigor, permit me to explain.

Vigor is a man suffering from an involuntary bout of celibacy. It has been some time since he had seen a woman naked, or done lewd things to such a woman, or had such things done unto him by the same. He was concupiscent; ruefully so.

After careful research and introspection, Vigor narrowed the possible causes of this drought down to one: luck. Because of his terrible luck, Vigor reasoned, he was unable to obtain that which we wanted and needed: a sturdy fucking.

So Vigor proposed a solution: shave a "V" into his chest. Though this may not seem to follow logically, I assure you that for Vigor, it does. I elucidate the process below. Vigor thinks:

1. My luck is terrible.
2. People with bad luck are prone to embarrassment.
3. I am prone to embarrassment.

So far this is a consistent argument and, this narrator would argue, a sound one. He reasoned further:

4. The probability of my getting laid is directly proportional to the probability of a woman voluntarily seeing me naked.

Uncontroversial. Now, because of (3):

5. The odds of a woman seeing me naked will increase as I increase the risk of personal embarrassment.

That is to say, because of Vigor's bad luck, he is more likely than not to happen upon or encounter embarrassing situations. And conversely, if he were to set up a potentially embarrassing situation, it would be more likely than not to occur. And:

6. Having a woman discover that I have shaved a "V" into my chest is embarrassing.

Which is true. So, combined with (4):

7. I should shave a "V" into my chest.

To Vigor, this line of argument is quite compelling. In short: shaving his chest will increase his probability of getting some, because his bad luck will lead to the circumstances most beneficent to his having intercourse, only where the probability of great personal humiliation is highest.

In the narrator's opinion, this plan should be fairly successful on average. (Unless of course, the lights are on, and the site of a hairless "V" on Vigor's chest grinds the goings-on to sudden an irreversible halt.)

So this is why, on Sunday afternoon, while high, and drunk, and all alone while his parents were out grocery shopping, Vigor shaved a "V" into his chest with a pink Bic razor. Iron clad logic, or the clumsy rationalizations of a lonely man? You decide.