On the proper treatment of debris

The stern-faced and mustachioed headmaster stood before the boys, eyeing them with an air of suspicion and distaste. His bald head and angular features induced panic and trepidation in the first year class, sitting nervously in their uniforms, waiting for him to speak.

"There are not a lot of regulations here at Eton", he began, "but it is expected that you, Master Billingsworth, Master Traylor, Master Jones, Master Cromwell, Master Olivieri, Master Fanshawe, Master McClelland, Master Overinghamshire, Master White, Master Douffard, Master Olifant, Master Niles, Master Wodehouse, Master Richards, Master Wesley and Master Franklin," he paused very briefly to breathe, "will treat each other with a modicum of respect, refrain from bloody violence, et cetera, et cetera.

"But," he intoned gravely, his eyes narrowing, "there are very strict rules on the proper treatment of debris."

As the headmaster crisply pronounced the last word in his dictum, the boys in the classroom looked at in each other with some confusion and of course, fear. The headmaster launched into his oratory:

"On the proper treatment of debris.

"Number one. Debris shall never intentionally nor unintentionally be left, dropped, placed or created on the premises of this campus, nor any of its affiliated colleges.

"Number two. The presence of debris is to be avoided at all costs. Students will take all and any available measures to remove or destroy any debris they find or discover except where the destruction of such debris could result in the death or dismemberment of any student.

"Number three. Debris is a scourge upon our society and shall be treated as such. Any student found to be actively creating or disseminating debris upon our fair campus shall be expelled without recourse to appeal.

"Number four. Should a student come to know of another student or staff member who is actively creating or disseminating debris on our fair campus, it is his duty to immediately report these actions to the Campus Debris Authority. Failure to do so is considered a breach of the rules described herein, and said student will face expulsion."

The boys in the class continued to listen to the headmaster with disbelief.

"Number five. Those found with debris on their person or amongst their personal effects and belongs will be placed on suspension immediately and escorted off the premise of this campus, until all traces of that student's debris have been found and destroyed.

"Number six. Debris is not a laughing matter. Jokes about debris will not be tolerated.

"Number seven. If debris shall be discovered on campus it must be reported to the Campus Debris Authority immediately. Students are to remain with the debris until authorities arrive. One may also pick it up and throw it in the rubbish bin.

"Number eight. In those cases where debris is thrown, lobbed, tossed, flung, hurled, at another student, that student which touched the debris last before it reached the ground will be found to be the right owner of that debris and will be responsible for its removal. This is also known as the "touched it last" rule.

"Number nine. All students will be familiar with rules pertaining to The Proper Treatment of Debris and may be asked to recite them by any professor or staff member on this campus at any time. Failure to repeat these rules, precisely as written, will result in immediate suspension."

The class was silent for a few moments as the boys realised the headmaster was finished speaking. Not one of the boys could believe what he had just heard. The classroom was silent; the hard, aged headmaster stood like a tweed-wearing dictator behind the podium at front.

Suddenly, but slowly, Olivieri raised his arm.

The headmaster turned his crotchety head. His eyes were narrow slits. "Yes, boy?"

"Pardon me, headmaster," he stammered, "but isn't the 's' at the end silent, sir?"

And though the other boys tried to contain themselves, the classroom exploded with snickers and laughter.