Vitamin Water

What is this stuff? I don't quite get it. I picked up a bottle today for the first time and all it says on it is:

c'mon is that a purse...or a suitcase? let's what you're squeezing in there. looky here, a gift card (with 89c left), three different hand creams (melon, cucumber, cucumber-melon), lip balm, lipstick, and lip gloss, oh and what's this? well your bags have inspired us. we squeezed a bunch of good stuff into this bottle -- it's got 11 key nutrients from vitamin a to zinc. just remember to save room for it in your purse. or "man-bag" (we're not judging).

What the fuck? "Looky here?" I don't ever recall being sassed by H2O before. What did I do? For the record, I wasn't even carrying a "man-bag" when I purchased this, but I should not have to defend myself against this onslaught.

I don't even know what this stuff is. Do they just smash a Centrum into a bottle of Gatorade? Bravo.  I don't see how that entitles these clowns to any level of snark. I can't believe I shelled out two bucks to be shit on by a bottle of liquid nutrients.

And yes, dudes carry purses. Where have you been for the past fourteen years? Are we to expect jokes about "lattes" and "Monica Lewinsky" next? I'm so glad that this under-capitalized attempt at observational humor  inspired you to cram "a bunch of good stuff into this bottle?" Here's a suggestion: why don't you cram this bottle (and those 11 key nutrients) up your asshole, Vitamin Water. I won't judge.