Good fences make good neighbours

As the date of Group of Twenty economic circle jerk draws nearer, this fair city has gone a little bit mental trying to create a Soviet sense of security in the core -- but without the Stalin-esque charm.  Since I live within sniping range of the festivities, I've compiled some suggestions on how to survive downtown in the next few days:

1. Be prepared: always carry a water bottle and some weed.
2. While most people will protest peacefully, some demonstrators could become violent.  To ensure your protection, strike first: stab all and any protesters you see in the face.
3. Avoid going into work, even if you don't work downtown.  Get drunk and stay drunk.
4. Be cautious when transporting gun- or bomb-shaped objects during the summit.  Keep them visible by holding them high in the air, and speak loudly to lower suspicions.
5. If you are an Arab, hang out in Mississauga for the weekend.
6. If you have any suggestions on how to strengthen capital liquidity standards and cap leverage in the market, shut the fuck up.  No one gives a shit.
7. If you see the President of the United States, do refrain from:
1. Shooting him dead, or
2. Yelling "Y'Obama!"
8. Driving will be especially difficult in the financial district.  A well-sharpened spike or cowcatcher will help lower commuting times.
9. For those protesting: please limit the number of  puns on signs to three.  Also, to combat the effects of tear-gas: stay home.
10. Please avoid proliferating nuclear weapons until after the summit has concluded.
11. Please don't piss in the 'water feature.'
12. Hug a cop.  They will appreciate the gesture of support.
13. If you see the leader of Turkey, avoid calling his country's economy "basically irrelevant to the goings on" or asking "who let you in?"
14. Don't forget to wear sunscreen.