Jane: Having sex without my consent while I was drunk was wrong.
John: Tough shit, asshole.
Jeff: Dude, you just scratched my car.
Jack: Tough shit, asshole.
Jim: Next thing I knew, I was furrrg, breskkkk hahualug...
Jeb: Tough shit, asshole, I didn't get that -- it might be my cell phone.
In the first grade, my best friend at the time demonstrated an amazing feat of forcing saliva between his two front teeth and producing a fine spray. He got it all over me during a lesson, but I was impressed nonetheless. Our teacher however was not so easily impressed -- she was disgusted really -- and made him apologise. He did, and I gave him the perfunctory, "that's OK", but the stern Ms. Parish interrupted.
"No, it is not OK."
I was shocked. This is possible? I thought you had to accept apologies; is that not why we give them out? My mind was truly blown, and for the first time in a public school, I think I learned something.
Today I propose that instead of "That's OK", which again, we never truly mean, we reply with a curt and serious, "fuck you". Some examples:
Alpha: Oh, shit. I locked your keys in the car. Tough shit, asshole.
Beta: Fuck you.
Airline counter person: Tough shit, assholes, but flight 137 has been delayed coming out of Newark and won't be arriving until 19:38. Tough shit for any inconvenience this may cause.
Various passengers: Fuck you.
Joe: Do you have the shoes in a different colour?
Jon: Tough shit, asshole, we don't.
Joe: Oh, well. Fuck you.
I haven't had an idea this good since ever. Next week: "please" and "thank you".
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