Dear reader,
An excellent thank you letter must be gracious, kind and forthright. You, dear reader, will refer to the reader by their first name, because that will allow an air of ease and levity. It is not a formal letter, but rather one to make the reader understand that (and how) you have been touched by his or her gesture. It matters not if your feelings of gratitude are not sincere; you words shall indicate nothing less than that you were utterly humbled by the reader's magnanimity, and that your mere letter of thanks could never suffice to propitiate their generosity.
A thank you note is not a place to criticize a gift. You must never mention if a gift is unfit for your consumption or is not of your taste. Even if it is something you would never ever use, you must convey in words how you could never live without having received this gift, and that your erstwhile life was nothing but a shadow -- a falsehood dreamscape, where your disjoint body and mind have synthesized only upon receipt of said gift, action or token of generosity upon which you are now conveying thanks.
A letter like this is not a platform on which you may expound upon your political and religious beliefs, or otherwise offensive or distasteful views. Be careful to avoid profanity and if you must, please do not write them in majuscule letters, for that is utterly charmless.
Do not use racist language.
It is not appropriate to post-date your thank you note (because this makes no sense) nor should you pen this missive under the influence of drugs, alcohol or God. Be sure to close with a warm and compelling salutation.
Thanks for the memories, fuckers,
Harvey
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