Religion reform #8

Sometimes, even I am brought down by the burden of free-thinking and the ennui of too-much-free-time-not-praying -- and it gets to me. It occurred to me that I went all yesterday without even once pondering the nature of my existence or whether my creator was satisfied with what I have been doing with it so far. Especially considering all I did instead was analyze clips on Redtube, and play with a whiffle ball and hair dryer for forty-five minutes.

So, know what? I'm diving in: I am going to join the flock of God's children in their drowsy march through Religion's glorious machinations. And damnit, I'm going to do it better than everybody else. I'm going to pray your fucking face off, God-lovers. Just try and stop me.

I will fast, I will light candles, I will pepper idols with appropriate gewgaws, I will make offerings, I will cry incantations, I shall get on my knees and pray -- and mostly -- I will pad my weekends with wholesome filler. And avoid Redtube. And drinking scotch with my Raisin Bran.

But let's face it, on the briefest inspection all the options out there suck donkeys. With the sole exception of Rastafarianism (Scientology of the Stoned) I'm not sure I could sign on to any of the Top 10 without succumbing to pangs of nausea or fits of awkward laughter or both.

So in classic hipster-douchebag DIY fashion, I will create my own religion.

Already code-named "Toucan", the new religion must and will include:

• a commitment to comfortable clothing.
• an inclusive attitude towards all peoples, beliefs, customs, lifestyles and political values. Except filthy Poles.
• a drink only adherents know how to make; its secret passed orally to the most ardent and senior followers. (For the record, it shall taste a lot like a long Island Ice tea, but I don't think there'll be as much rum in it.)
• the ability to pray from the comfort of your own computer.
• a kick ass logo. (I'm thinking sideways checkmark.)
• Fajita Fridays.
• an Esperanto dictionary and Dvorak keyboard.
• heavy censure on the miraculous bullshit.
• mandatory hugs/high-fives/low-fives/ass-slaps.
• The Toucan equivalent of X-ian rock: Toucan Rock.
• A holy land the size of Virginia. Perhaps even, Virginia.
  

I think that's a good start. I just need to flesh out my role as prophet, and sort out some tax things, and I'll be well on my way.