Water's a waste

Water isn't great. I mean, it's everything not to like about liquid. When people tell me how awesome drinks like whiskey and Diet Pepsi are made, they usually start with water and add a fuck tonne of yummy ingredients to it.

It's not unreasonable therefore to assume then that water sucks. You don't see people taking Diet Pepsi and adding a shit load of ingredients to that do you? (I mean, maybe some assholes do but that's fucking heresy if you ask me.) Diet Pepsi is fine the way it is. But water? Water needs some serious work.

Humans are so desperate to turn water into something it's not. We purify it, desalinize it, add sugar, take out minerals and other minerals, add colour, add the fermented byproduct of various decaying grains and/or fruits/vegetables, we even add bubbles for fuck's sake.

The only thing it's good for is bathing and water slides. Pass me a scotch.

Who goes there?

I don't tell people about this site, yet somehow people find it in droves. They also tend to leave it in droves, but I'm still surprised that year over year, more people visit.

And what is it that they expect to find? Popular searches include:

• euphemisms for vomiting
• "have you ever kissed a girl"
• ass licking slow motion
• 1 sentence cause of galactosemia
• egg mcmuffin fresh cracked eggs
• poem using apostrophe which should be about your daily activities (10 lines at least)

As I plug away at this project, it occurs to me that I'm certainly not meeting the expectations of my non-existent readership. And I should be indifferent, but I'm not. To the sad fucks looking for ass licking in slow motion, I truly apologize. My ramblings aren't going to get you off, and part of me feels like I've let you down. You dead-ended on a jet black page about Toucans and self-loathing, dick in hand. Neither of us wanted this.

When web was young I used to devour blogs. Now, like everyone else, I merely snack; pecking away at an endless buffet of content. 

I wonder then: what will happening to this endless stream of text inching skyward? It's not that I demand readers (I really don't) but I don't want to be a forgotten, flung open cupboard door in the frantic kitchen of the Internet. I sincerely hope that one day I can satisfy the needs of some lonesome surfer on the other side of a search engine. That someone searching for "reasons to commit suicide," will finally have found his home.

Break up template

Dear _______,

I'm sorry. I know this might come as a (shock/surprise/relief) to you, but I don't think we should (see/fuck/date) each other (for a while/anymore/until these meds start working).

The thing is I (like/love/mostly love) you, I really do, but I just don't feel like we have a (real connection/fighting chance in this crazy world). I have lots going on, what with the (economy/hockey lockout/turbulent job market/upcoming comic-con) so I think it might be best if we (took it easy for a while/called it quits/never spoke to each other ever again).

I definitely have some issues to hash out with my (therapist/shaman/mother/ex-girlfriend/personal trainer), so I really think this the right move for both of us. Plus, you've just fucked too many guys.

Also, I'm sorry about (your couch/christmas dinner). I will make it up to you.

I hope we can still be (fuck buddies/pen pals/friends on Facebook).

Harvey

Forwards and backwards

In my dream last night
Well, I was drunk and you sent a note
Much like this one
Where the message works both backwards and forwards
Are you familiar with this?
This is totally strange.

This is totally strange.
Are you familiar with this?
Where the message works both backwards and forwards

Much like this one

Well, I was drunk and you sent a note

In my dream last night.