Religion reform #20

Around The Beginning a kind of, sort of, fucked up thing happened. It's described well in the Book of the Toucan, chapter 11:

11 And after the great Toucan squawked, and obliterated the void a small and almost imperceptible crystal —the size of 1,000,000 suns —landed on the tip of the Toucan's beak. It was a clock.

12 The perfect crystalline structure was a machine operating by precise laws. Though it appeared to be a pure crystal, inside was a magnificent lattice of light and energy humming away, in service of an idea greater than itself.

And later,

²³ When the Toucan leaned his mighty beak over the nascent universe and sneezed, at once the marvel of crystal clockwork was shattered as the infinite power of the Toucan's sneeze hurled an infinity of clock pieces in every direction.

Scholars have debated the meaning of this tale. Is the crystal a metaphor for mankind's fruitless quest for knowledge or is this just a cautionary tale about making sure to have taken anti-histamines? And just what is the point of a clock in a timeless pre-existence void?

On stuff I refuse to wear

Bicycle helmets

I am a cyclist. This probably won't surprise you given my proclivity for beards, but it might surprise you given my proclivity for hating hate-able shit, and as any moron can tell you: cycling is well hate-able. For starters, a lot of cyclists are holier-than-thou tree-hugging, pedantic, passive-aggressive losers and I loathe to be associated with them in the slightest. I'm certain to like you less the more you like cycling, and this is multiplied by three if you wear clip-ins or own a bike you can pick up with one hand.

If you need more reasons to hate cycling consider the aesthetics of the entire endeavour. Perching oneself upon a "saddle", gingerly holding on to grips, pedaling to your destination with the wind in your hair, and the tring-tring of your bell in the city air. That's a textbook definition of "fey". Do I have to mention those stupid flip-up hats that bicycle couriers wear? Those goat-bearded, short-socked assholes are considered the tough-guys of this subculture. Jesus Christ.

But anyway, I hate driving more than any of this (much, much more) so I ride a bike. And I refuse to wear a helmet. This blog is called the Slow Motion Suicides, dummy, not the Slow Motion Safety Lesson. If I'm going out, I'm going out in a motherfucking blaze of asphalt-meets-aluminum-meets-my-skull-on-the-crosswalk glory. I want someone to puke at the sight of my annihilation. Besides if I'm sideswiped by a streetcar, my helmet will prove as effective as abstinence education.

(And studies have shown^{[citation needed]} that cyclists wearing helmets ride more recklessly, and that drivers leave un-helmeted riders more room on the road than those wearing safety gear and fuck you.)

Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Harvey: I would say that ABBA is pretty underrated as a band, don't you think?
Miranda: I don't know.
Harvey: I mean, have you actually listened to their early work? There's a lot of good stuff in there.
Miranda: I haven't listened to it. Were you planning on buying something today?
Harvey: Take their debut album Ring, Ring for example. It's really more schlager or folk-pop than disco.
Miranda:
Harvey:
Miranda:
Harvey: I take it you prefer Voulez Vous?
Miranda: OK, get the fuck out now.

If you're in love

Sometimes I find poetry that I wrote.

Notes:

1. First line should be underlined.
2. The omission of an apostrophe in "youre" is deliberate.
3. "Pretend like" should be hyphenated with an invisible hyphen.
4. That there are two "ough"s in the fourth line is not a coincidence.
5. I probably should have said 'breast' instead of 'chest' but it's 2011 and this is impossible.
6. I'm not sure that voids can have 'depth'. Worth discussing in a classroom setting.
7. There is an invisible space between the 'can' and 'not' of 'cannot'.
8. I should have spelled out 'tv' as 'teevee' but it's 2011 and this would be laughable.
9. "And deny though you will" Note the author's repeated use of 'though'. Hmmm...
10. I should have used 'whole' instead of 'hole'.
11. I should have used 'youre' instead of 'your'.
12. That does in fact say "unmindedly".
13. "To wade into the interminable depths" To be recited in a poly-rhythmic style.
14. "But that's only of course" is arguably the worst line in the poem. (Or is it?)
15. The second last line is the same as the first line of the poem.
16. The last line is the same as the fourth line of the poem and the last line of the poem and this is not a coincidence.

No reason

As must clearly be obvious by now, I am both the dominant content provider and consumer of this website's output. That sounds nifty, you might find youself saying, but it's not all chocolate and cheese. Burning the blog at both ends (as it were) I find myself with no recourse about web log gaffes and other complaints; like the lack of a scheduled post for the third day of October, two-thousand eleven.

One recalls that this web log once posted a hearty offering of thrice per weeklet, and of reasonable quality stock too. Now, the posts are edging periliously close to a self-loathing fourth wall mixed with hypermeta public self-criticism and readers like you are getting annoyed: bring back the racism already, you find yourself saying. And observational humour about cats.

Like you, I wouldn't mind if the author of this site was compelled to write more. Truth be told, I actually have a bit of influence over the author that could aid me in my quest of the aforementioned desire but it is also worth noting that as the author, I am likely to refuse all requests for content. If you catch me in just the right mood, I might even feign ignorance at the existence of the blog and perhaps even of blogs themselves. "What is a web log?" I might find myself saying.

In closing, there is no good reason I didn't publish a post today. In fact there isn't even a bad reason. There is simply No Reason, and therefore this post.