A container of yogurt recently invited me to take part in an interesting human v. dairy duel:
Enjoy Activia® every day for 14 days and feel the difference to your digestive system. If you’re not satisfied, we’ll refund your money.
That's it? That's not much of a "challenge." Eat yogurt every day? I think I can handle that, boys. That said, I'm not sure about this "feel the difference to your digestive system" whizz-bang. My digestive system is pretty resistant to dramatic change. My colon votes conservative. What kind of differences are we talking? Will it take me 15 minutes to digest a steak? Will my stool be tricoloured?
Besides, who notices positive changes to their digestive process? Negative changes, sure. But do they mean merely that if I make it through the 14 days without undergoing violent diarrhea I won the challenge? Or did I lose?
I consulted the FAQ:
Consuming Activia® for 14 days can help you reduce intestinal transit time as well as help you regulate your digestive system naturally.
That sounds great. How much of this shit can I eat?
Scientific studies have demonstrated Activia®’s benefits with just a single serving per day. But the same studies have also shown a direct relationship between the quantity consumed and the results achieved: effectiveness was even greater when consumption reached up to three servings per day.
Fuck it, why not eat a case per day? But er, what happens after the 14 days are up? Can I take another challenge or how does that work? Am I allowed to still eat your potent broth of bacteria?
Of course! It’s even recommended that you maintain your daily consumption, since the benefits associated with Activia® cease when consumption is halted. Make Activia® a delicious part of your diet every day!
What about these assholes I live with? Can they get into this yogurt or will they die? I'm kind of hesitant to share it with them since they didn't do any of the paperwork for the "challenge."
Absolutely! Activia® yogurt is ideal for the whole family. It’s nutritious and a source of calcium that can be a part of a healthy, balanced diet for children that already consume dairy products—each and every day!
Enough of this dogshit. I doubt any of these questions were asked even once, let alone "frequently." Because it was late, I kept digging and found this:
OFFICIAL RULES FOR THE ACTIVIA® PROMISE (Formerly known as the ACTIVIA® CHALLENGE)
What the fuck? So it's no longer a challenge (which I concur, is bullshit) but a promise? As in you promise my innards are going to feel fantastic after two weeks of eating yogurt?
WHAT IS THE ACTIVIA PROMISE?
Only delicious Activia has the exclusive culture Bifidus Regularis® and helps regulate your digestive system. We PROMISE that you will love how you feel or get your money back.
Oh, I get it. To make good on the promise you have to send them a note that states that you "hate how you feel," and only freaks that wear leather and avoid the sun can write that shit without irony or self-deceit. And we all know those goths hate dairy. Well played, Danone.
