Religion reform #11

In the beginning, there was only the void: a realm of no matter, temperature or time. And there was also a Toucan of many colours. And then He squawked. And from His beak came light -- which spread in all directions and pushed through to obliterate endless void.

Thus was created time, heat, and light. Those are first three elements of the universe created by the Toucan. The Toucan was remarkably cavalier about the whole thing, and said:

I squawked and the universe came into existence. No big deal.

As the light spread the Toucan tried to enter the forming universe. But He was too large. The Universe was still no wider than the bristles of His feathers. The Toucan, just so you know, is gigantic.

But the Toucan is also patient, so He waited for the universe to expand. And waited. And waited for billions of years. Until one day, He became restless:

This fucking sucks.

And He decided to plan a way to keep entertained as the universe grew. The Toucan leaned His giant beak over the burgeoning cosmos and sneezed. This truly was a gross thing to do.

But the moist dew of his snot was alive with quarks and particles. And almost instantly -- billions of our years, actually -- in the swirling pool of the baby universe there was matter, and noise and life. The Toucan was satisfied. As the circle of light grew, the universe began to crawl with life.

And that's pretty much it. Anything else you need to know can pretty much be described by coincidence or arbitrary laws of the Toucan's concoction like:

- Matter cannot be created or destroyed or,
- You shouldn't wear socks with sandals

But I wouldn't read too much into it. For the Toucan clearly states:

There is but time, and light, and heat, and matter, and noise, and life. And honestly, beyond that there isn't a whole lot to do. (And I would know.)