Words I hate

Bugaboo. This stupid-sounding term pops up ever so occasionally, like the scrape of your hubcaps while parallel parking. And it's just as enjoyable.

As adults, I think we owe it to ourselves to talk like grown-ups.

(I understand it shares a root with "Bogeyman". This only lowers its value to me.)

Religion reform #10

In this very special Religion Reform, we ask the Toucan tough questions about life.

Is the only constant in life the pursuit of pleasure?

Of course. If you're doing anything contrary to the goal of getting PAID, then you're doing something wrong, son.

Will meat-eaters get into heaven?

No, but neither do most people over the age of fourteen. It's actually pretty quiet up there.

What is the ultimate fate of the Universe?

Probably the same as the origin of the Universe: who gives a shit?

I love my husband, but only my boyfriend understands me. What should I do?

Play them both until you get found out.

Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and the buns in packages of eight?

For that, my son, you will have to wait.

Get a load

Am I the only one appalled by the Milk council's highly suggestive new slogan, "get a load"? I can't be the only one. This entire campaign has left me sickened.

The website implores me to "make a mooovie". Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you? You freaks.

Observational humour about patently false things

For one thing, gay sex is everywhere. I mean it's in movies, on TV, it's in my porn. The stuff is ubiquitous. I encountered it in my damn kitchen when I got up yesterday. Dad, Eric, get a room!

But if it's not buggery, it's Pepsi. I've had it with this drink. Didn't coke win the cola wars like, eight years ago? Give up already: no one drinks Pepsi. The last time I tried to order a Pepsi, the waiter didn't know what I was talking about. He looked at me like made the whole thing up.

"It's dark, sweet, fizzy..."
"Coke?"
"No, but it's virtually identical. Some people have trouble telling them apart?"

I'm switching to beer.

And beer ads are getting ridiculous now, right? I mean have you seen this one ad? The one that's just a loop of graphic BDSM? I don't need half a minute of dungeon porn to convince me to buy beer; I would have got it anyway. We get it beer moguls: beer sells itself.

I'm switching back to coke.