Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Harvey: I think your hot-dog machine is broken.
Miranda: We don't have a hot-dog machine.
Harvey: (pointing) Then what's that?
Miranda: That's the ATM.
Harvey:
Miranda: Is that why you asked me for mustard forty seconds ago?
Harvey: Er... no. Would you happen to have some paper towels?
Miranda: Christ, not again.

Tonight's specials

Alaskan King Crab

$45
What a pain in the ass this is. You won't care how many men died to bring this crustacean in: this highly sought-after King is a "royal" pain in the ass. It's a Goddamned tangle of fish, ice and spiky exoskeleton and you're armed only with a useless nutcracker and a glorified skewer with two tiny tines on the end to get to it. Irritating. You'll want to give the entire dish a once over with a wooden mallet just to get the ball rolling. But you can't. Served with roasted potatoes.

Filet Mignon

$23
So what it's tender? It's not worth it dude. After the three seconds it takes you to down this morsel, you'll be asking for some reading material to keep you entertained while everyone else finishes their adult-sized portions. Is it worth it to get a lower-quality steak just to feel like you had something to chew on? You decide.  Served with your choice of side.

French Onion Soup

$12
Served in a nauseatingly cute glazed porcelain bowl, the french onion soup lives up to its reputation of being the only thing with the colour and texture of meningitic mucus, while being edible too. If I asked you to wash down a cup of melted cheese with some gravy, would you do it? Then why are you ordering this shit?

Chicken and Ribs

$30
Make a decision, you Goddamned pig. Served with fries (oink) or garden salad.

Big Nachos

$19
We took fresh sour cream, spicy salsa, seasoned ground beef, and every item from your vegetable crisper and piled them high on corn torilla chips. Then we added about forty other ingredients, and a kilogram of cheese. Good luck finding a chip to hold on to; this snack is truly out of control. It's fucking retarded. Perfect for sharing!

Many a mickle makes a muckle

The old whore "raised her prices" on me last night. That's my way of saying I got the walking papers from the old ball and chain. That is, I got dumped.

A bit unexpected, but unlike other more awkward break-ups I've experienced, her method was novel. In order:

1. A box of Kleenex thrown at my face.
2. "Get the fuck out, asshole."
3. A pillow thrown at my face.
4. "Wake up!"
5. Grabbing me by the ankles and dragging me toward the door. (In my stupor, I reached for the nearest leg of the coffee table. Though it did not prevent my process of being dragged toward the front door of the apartment, I was successful in knocking a pile of Reader's Digest and a bowl of candy to the floor.)
6. "Wake up, you fuckin' asshole!"
7. Fire extinguisher blasts to the face and neck as I thrash my legs in protest.
8. Long sigh as I lay on the floor and then a reminder that I still had a Bon Jovi CD of hers that I could "drop off sometime".
9. Completion of the task of dragging me to the front door; awkwardly standing me up and foisting my teetering body into the apartment hallway.
10. "I hope we can still be friends."

To my credit, I didn't cry or vomit until after I had left the premise. I hope she means it about being friends.

Minutes, just minutes to humpday

As we near the final moments to Humpday, I must remind myself of how lucky we are to have a day like Wednesday. So beautiful centered in each week, Wednesday works overtime to provide us with a range of services we have too long taken for granted.

Wednesday separates the days that start with "T" so that our feeble minds do not become confused. It gives us a moment to reflect on the power-triad that is Sunday-Monday-Tuesday. Without it, we would be knee-deep in Thursday confused about the previous three days events. And speaking of Thursday could you imagine going from Tuesday to Thursday without a day in between? I shudder to think.

Friday is largely unaffected by Wednesday.

Oh, and how about the gloriously confounded pronunciation thereof. It is wensday or wendsday or wed-nes-dee or what? I mean seriously what the fuck, Wednesday, is this a joke?

You think you're so great because you're in the middle, but you know what? You're not man. You're just a poor man's Monday. You heard me. People gotta call you Humpday because there isn't anything else interesting about you. Cheap movies on Tuesday, Church on Sunday, fish on Fridays, but on Wednesday? Jack shit. Fuck you you stupid day.

Ever forget what point you were trying to make? Happens to me every Humpday.

Happy Humpday everyone!

Another strange interaction between Harvey and the portly store owner

Harvey: Listen I hate to break up the mood...
Miranda: Get to the point, "begin the beguine"...
Harvey: Haven't you noticed we're a protagonist short, and a pack of smokes please...
Miranda: In this idyllic, that'll be $32 please...
Harvey: Well-produced scene?

Tracklisting for a shitty rock opera

Love in the Year 3000

1. Once were we young (Jermaine, Eloise)
2. Almost Forever! (Chorus)
3. We must to repair this station wagon (Japanese mechanic, Eloise)
4. A road is a life not driven (William, Robo2000)
5. Could you, would we, should they, are you? (Eloise, chorus)
6. Non-vegetarian waltz (Eloise, Jermaine)
7. I'd bet $75 that you're right (Jermaine, William)
8. Pay me back later (William)
9. I have a robo-soul (Robo2000)
10. Once we were young (reprise) (Chorus, Robo2000)
11. Entr'acte
12. I've never eaten meat before/Damsels in distress (Eloise, Clay, Japanese mechanic, Rudy)
13. I L-O-V Eloise (Jermaine)
14. Pay me back later (reprise) (Chorus)
15. Niggaz killin' 'bots (Rudy, Japanese mechanic)
16. SpaceTime (Eloise, William, Clay, Rudy, Japanese Mechanic, Robo2000, Chorus)
17. Almost, Almost Forever! (Chorus)
18. Yesterday's Tomorrow, Today/Once we were young/Finale (Chorus, Robo2000)

Music and lyrics by Harvey Kornbluth
Book by Harvey Kornbluth
Directed by Hal Prince

Mongoload

There is no other reason for this post except to share with the world the invention of the word, "Mongoload". I know, I know, it's pretty fucking awesome. I have yet to ascribe a meaning to it, but worry not, I'm on it. I bet oxen will be involved.

While it's definitely a noun, I can see it being used as an exclamation as well, e.g.,Great Mongoload, professor! Have you ever seen anything like it?

No, the professor replied stoically. No, I haven't.

New angle for Novartis

Stacey watches with some fascination at Harvey neatly slices open the package of Neo Citran and pours a small pile of white granules on her glass coffee table. He gingerly picks up a piece of the packet he had snipped off and rolls it into a tube.

STACEY

(puzzled)

Um, aren't you going to boil some hot water for that?

HARVEY

(nonchalantly)

Why bother?

He bends over and snorts a good portion of the powdered cold and flu relief. 

HARVEY (CONT'D)

Ah. That's better.

CUT TO:

Harvey is stacking crates in a warehouse on a forklift looking healthy and mostly alert. 

CUT TO:

Title card and logo.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Neocitran: it'll fuckin' get ya.

Can't bother with post titles

It has been awhile. My attempts to post everyday actually turned into me not posting anything, ever, at all. Lameness is the only way to describe it. There are probably other words, but I lack a thesaurus or the motivation to find a thesaurus at present. Don't try to tell me about dictionary.com; I don't give a fuck.

But I'm putting this up to make a point: come hell or high water, I am going to type something on here even -- and especially -- if it sucks, is uninteresting, boring, racist, etc.

Oh, came up with a good idea for a rock opera today. We'll see what develops.